A Gift

I've been struggling about the whole "gift thing" for Christmas. I'm happy to give, I really am. But I feel like gifts are for kids. There is really no one on the adult gift list in my world that really needs anything. Certainly not anything some one needs to go into debt for. And really, I've got everything I need too. Maybe we feel it's traditional to give gifts, that something will be lacking if we don't.

But at this point in my life I think I'd rather give and receive an emotional gift.

I'd rather get a sentimental card from someone that expresses their heartfelt feelings then a gift I may not remember next year. My husband and I want to spend time doing something to make a memory together instead. Then we can reflect about it often. We could have those "remember when we did... how much fun it was" moments-- that seems more meaningful to me. It's a gift that keeps on giving after all.

This year my daughter came home from Christmas, it's been several years since she's been with us. She's grown into a lovely woman. She's so strong and smart. She's well traveled and interesting. It was a joy to spend time together. We didn't really do anything special. With the Christmas snow storm we stayed close to home. We just hung out and talked. We cooked and played games. We enjoyed the downtime together and reconnected. It was a wonderful gift for me. It made Christmas really special this year. We made memories.

It's funny, a week ago I was all stressed out. Hating the hustle and the stress of the holidays. Today I feel peace. I feel like I'm healing from the beating I took this year. I feel like there is hope for change. I'm looking forward to learning new things and starting new adventures in 2010.

So I'm putting 2009 to bed. Along with the anger and the angst it caused me.

I'm moving on.

There's a new decade to ring in.

A new chance for change. Better days are on the horizon.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Thank you for reading me this year!

'Tis the Season

Gosh I'm busy. I'm not sure what with, but I feel stressed. I think it's just the general mood of the holidays, S-T-R-E-S-S. What happened to Joy and Peace? I thought they were supozed to be the feelings of Christmas. I really haven't felt that in years.

I'm so tired of the holiday push. I hate that Christmas items are in the stores right behind Halloween. Thanksgiving sort of gets jipped. I rebel, I refuse to even look at them until after Thanksgiving. And even now, I really have no Christmas spirit within. I put up my tree last weekend, I baked cookies for my co-workers. Still, no Christmas spirit. Maybe it comes in a bottle. People keep telling me I should drink more.

But I keep hearing about sad stories. An acquaintence of mine is losing her home to foreclosure. Another is in a frustrating relationship. Another out of work. Many are under-employed or in dead-end positions. I want to give to others, I want to help and yet I feel helpless. I can listen, I can be their shoulder to cry on. But I'm not sure what I can do to actually help their situations. I'm kind of in the same boat. I got problems too, we all do.

I can't really afford to spend money on Christmas gifts, but I do it anyway. But I'm just not feeling it. It feels like more of an obligation then a downright sense of giving. I think Christmas gifts should be for kids. And, I think it's nice to exchange a gift with your sweetheart to thank them for all they do. Other then that why do we feel so obligated to over-spend for one day. I thought the meaning of Christmas was supozed to be about Jesus. How did it turn into this retail nightmare?

I used to love Christmas, I looked forward to it every year. I would get really excited about it. I'd decorate the house up, shop for the perfect gifts, wrap my presents with fabric bows and beautiful paper. I'd start listening to Christmas music by December 1st. But past Christmas's seemed better. At my old job we had a Trim-the-Tree party, a client Christmas party and an Employee party. My girlfriend and I used to throw an "Annual Semi-Formal Christmas Wapatooi Bash" each year. There were events to go to and happiness and joy would abound. Now Christmas feels like it's being shoved down my throat. Buy, buy, buy, rush rush, rush, spend, spend spend. Sad as it is to say, I can't wait for it to be over. Let's get on with the New Year already.

But last year I did manage to do one thing that gave me Christmas spirit. Maybe other's can do this too, it will definitely lift your mood. Last year I decided to tell everyone in my family exactly why I loved them.

I sat down with my computer and wrote out 25 reasons why I loved each person. I did one hundred reasons for my hubby. It took me hours and hours. Of course there were the obligitory reasons... they are kind to animals, they are kind to my parents, and so on. But actually, it was kind of hard. It forced me to sit down and really think about my family. My older nephew and I really aren't that close anymore. I personally don't know him all that well. Same went for my brother-in-law, we don't have a whole lot of one-on-one contact, so it's was a challenge to think of all these reasons. But I was determined.

I painstakenly wrote down each reason. I printed them out and cut them up into strips like fortunes in a cookie. I found some cute little boxes at the craft store and proceeded to fold each reason up and fill each box. Come Christmas Eve I handed them out. No one knew I was going to do this. We all sat in a circle and before we exchanged gifts I had every one read three reasons from each of their boxes. It was the greatest gift I had ever given. As they all read them aloud, they smiled and laughed. Some had tears in their eyes, including me. They didn't want to stop at three reasons, we went 'round and 'round in the circle till we read more then 10 or 15 each. The joy I created with this simple gesture was astounding. I felt my own Christmas spirit for the first time in years. The gift I gave each of them was the greatest gift I ever received.

Everyone has told me that they kept their boxes. When they have a bad day they will read one or two of my reasons and it makes them feel better. My Dad keeps his in the top drawer of his dresser. My Mom says he looks at it every day. I have a feeling all of them will keep that little box the rest of their lives.

To me, that is what Christmas is all about. That is the feeling I want. I can't express to you how good it felt to see the tears in their eyes. To know that I touched them in a very personal way. To tell someone what it is about them that you love--to tell them they are special and that they have changed your life in some profound way--that is what Christmas is supozed to be I think.

It seems like that is what Jesus would want.
I doubt he'd know what to do with an I-pod.

Giving Thanks

This year was the first time my hubby and I had nowhere to go on Thanks-giving. It was actually quite nice. I love getting together with family and all, but it was nice for a change to have some down time together on a holiday where we didn't have to rush off anywhere or drive an hour to get there.

He had seen a recipe on Rachel Ray a couple weeks ago and asked me if I could make it, I said sure, I'd make for him on Thanksgiving. If you know me at all you'd know that while I'm not an avid cook, I have been known to make a pretty decent meal now and again. It called for several things I don't normally stock and I had to go several places to find all the ingredients. Things like fresh ground nutmeg, shallots and fresh thyme, marmalade and grainy brown mustard. Now normally I really don't care to cook; during the work week there is just no time to be creative. So I'm more of a soup and salad kind of girl most nights. But on Sunday's I try to to spoil my guy a little and make at least one nice meal.

Since it was our first Thanksgiving alone, I decided I wanted it to be special so I didn't scrimp or substitute on anything. I bought all organic ingredients. I even bought a special grater to grate my whole nutmeg and spent $6 for a roll of parchment paper I don't know when I'll use again. But I decided to go for it with full out gusto. It was actually kind of fun. I used the fancy dishes; I lit a candle and had soft music on the stereo. We cracked a bottle of wine… it was actually kind-of romantic.

Being Thanksgiving and all I decided it just wouldn't be the same if I didn't make a batch of my Mom's rice stuffing so I added that to the meal plan. And if I do say so myself, for a fairly basic recipe; Turkey rolls (meatloaf) with roasted sweet potatoes, peas with radishes, Mom's stuffing and a simple pan gravy, it was really packed full with flavor. I've never made gravy before; it always seemed like that one elusive thing that is really easy to screw up. But I had a back up plan, I bought some ready made stuff just in case. I think my husband felt like he died and went to heaven. He made more yum-yum noises in that meal then I think he has made in all our years together. He practically licked his plate clean. He said it six times if he said it once, "the meal was de-lish", it was a success. If I learned anything that day, I truly learned that the way to my husband's heart is with a ladle full of gravy.

But I learned something about myself too. I learned that there is pleasure in taking pride in my cooking-- In going the extra step to make it special. I learned to relax a little and enjoy the time I spent preparing the meal. I learned that Thanksgiving is not about the hustle and the bustle to get to the turkey and pie; it's about enjoying the simple things. Making a toast to a better year, standing side-by-side doing the dishes, going for a walk on a crisp fall afternoon. I let spontaneity filter-in to the plans a little; and was willing to try something new.

It was the best Thanksgiving I had in a long time.

I guess that's what it's all about isn't it? Giving of yourself and giving thanks to others... enjoying the simple things.

Why do we forget that?

What's Important

My little trip to the ER last week really made an impact on me. It's been kind of nice in a way. Everyone is very concerned about me. I've gotten a lot of nice Facebook notes and phone calls. My husband has been very attentive and lovey since then. While that is not unusual for us, we are always romantic together, I think I really scared him. The truth is, I scared me too.

But it did give me a sense of clarity. It made me see that anything can happen at any time. That each day needs to be lived to it's fullest. That we take for granted so many things that are little blessings each day. That our health is nothing to mess with and that I'm not as healthy as I profess to be. And mostly, that I need to get off my butt and really do something about my weight.

I have never really liked to exercise. And I am usually more then willing to put it off for a better offer. Although to my defense, I have made quite a commitment to yoga the last two years. It's probably the first thing that I've really stayed consistent with for any length of time. But I know I need to do more, and more importantly, do more every day.

More and more I'm realizing that having a desk job is sort of like living a slow death. Ok, that's a little dramatic, but really when you think about it a desk job is probably one of the worst things you can do for your health. You stare at a box all day, you don't get any fresh air, you barely move. You get neck, wrist and elbow pain even though the most exercise you get is going for a potty break. I wore a pedometer to work for awhile. On a good day I got in a couple thousand steps. On a bad day, barely 900. They say we need 10,000 steps a day. That's about 5 miles by my calculations. Even a trip to Target only gives me about 2,500 steps. So I'm coming up extremely short.

People who are on their feet all day might do that many. But people with desk jobs...not so much. Perhaps if I worked in a large corporate environment I could take walk breaks. I would have to park far away. I could roam the halls to meet with co-workers. But my longest jaunt anywhere in my building is about 35 steps. I try to park a block or two away. I try to get out over lunch and take a walk around the block. But more often then not I'm pressed for time and never do.

I'm not a lazy person by any means, but I just can't seem to stay motivated with an intense exercise program. Part of it is that I really never see any results. I joined a gym a couple years ago. For 6 months I went to the gym 3-4 days a week. I worked with trainers. I saw the nutritionist. I did 45-60 minutes on the treadmill each time along with hundreds of reps on the machines. I did exactly what they told me to do. After 6 months I had lost 4 pounds, no inches. Four - stinking - pounds. Big deal. I can gain and lose that on a weekly basis.

So I quit the gym. I've done lots of stints like that. I did Curves for several years, I've done lots of aerobics classes. My hubby and I walk, and bike and golf together. We spend a lot of time in the garden and on landscaping projects... and still I struggle. At home programs don't seem to work for me, it's like I need the pressure of having to go somewhere, having to pay for it and feel guilty if I blow it off. But in this tight economy, I can't really afford to pay a membership fee either.

But, like I said, I got scared. So Saturday morning I spent some time on the bike and health rider in my basement. I went and bought a kettleball. Sunday morning my hubby and I went for an hour long walk. Later on I did some reps with the new kettleball. I didn't let the palpitations knock me down. Oh I still have them, but they are fading. But my will now seems strong.

The really weird thing is that my cravings for sugar have completely stopped. All summer long, the more stressed I got, the more my sweet tooth screamed at me. Chocolate was my vice of choice. But last week, the cravings stopped. Maybe my heart was screaming louder, I'm not sure. But whatever the reason I have this new found diligence. I'm going to run with it.

Life's too important. My husband, my family, my friends... They mean more to me then my ambivalence toward exercise or my love for chocolate. So here I go again, off on another quest...but this time, this time my heart is in it too.

Is it all down hill from here?

I spent yesterday afternoon in the ER. I'd been having heart palpitations for about 5 days.


I wasn't overly worried at first, but it was something I never experienced before. Yesterday they were coming every couple of minutes. The faster they came, the more I panicked. Since heart problems run in my family on both my parents side, and I could stand to lose a few pounds, I started to worry. Anyone I mentioned it to said, "get checked out, you don't want to mess around with your heart". The last straw was my Doctor's office refusing to even let me speak to my Doc about it. All they said was, "get to the ER, now!"


Oh Crap, now I'm scared. I drove myself to the closest ER in the city. Too urban for me, no place to park, suspect looking people lurking about. I started to cry. I called my hubby. "What do I do? I don't want to be here." I went to the closest suburban hospital instead. I felt much more at ease in my old stomping grounds.


There was no one in the waiting room, Thank God. I was really afraid I'd have a bunch of H1N1 sickies sitting there snogging all over everything. The front desk gal called me "hon". "Whatcha here for today hon?" Like I was ordering soup or something. "Chest Pains". "And who brought you in?" "Me." She got me a wheelchair and with the biggest smile on her face she could muster said, "how old are ya hon?" "43." She laughed, "it all goes down hill from there..."


Great. That's just great. I thought I was doing pretty good. I'm a pretty healthy eater. I take my vitamins, I do yoga and meditate. I'm somewhat active, a jock I aint, but I get around. And now I find out that despite all my effort, resistance is futile. I'm going down with the rest of them anyway... Crap.


So I got all these tests done, they had me all wired up. Took my blood, stabbed me a few times to find a good vein, that's always fun. My hubby could see the palpitations on the monitor as they happened. He kept making silly jokes and naughty innuendo's to see if he could get the lines to dip - he needed something to do to pass the time.


They came in no less then 5 times to ask me my name and to verify my information. Did they think that I was going to keep switching rooms or something? I was connected to the bed with 50 wires, just where exactly was I going to go? I couldn't leave to go potty without getting the nurses permission.


So what did I find out? I'm fine. Apparently I have an irregular heart beat that is fairly common. For some unknown reason it decided to manifest itself this week an make itself known. They said it was probably stress related. Ironically in the last few weeks my stress level has dropped about 50%. I got some of my pay and hours back at work. The ridiculously busy summer I had at work has slowed to a workable pace. My writing submissions have been met with a good response. I have been more calm this week then I have for the last 6 months.


I thought I was on an upswing.


Of course now I have something new to stress about. I figure my little ER visit is going to cost me about 3Grand. And, I have a $5,000 deductible, so none of it will be covered. I swear sometimes my life consists of one step forward and two steps back. And now there is the whole "going downhill" thing I have to worry about.


A few summers ago we went up to Duluth for the weekend. We brought our bikes and thought we were taking the leisurely trail along the lake. It ended up being 2 miles straight uphill. We pushed our bikes most of the way, ever try to ride a recumbent up a hill?, it doesn't work. But when we got to the top, the view was great. Without hesitation I hopped on my bike, turned and gave a wink and a smile to my hubby and took off down hill. I yelled "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" all the way down. Best two minutes of my life. No cares, no worries, just the wind in my hair and a smile on my face.


If we have to "go downhill" as we age, don't you think it should be like that?


No cares.


No worries.


Just the wind in your hair and a smile on your face.

OMG I can't be that old

I went for coffee today. The young man at the register called me "Miss" wow, seems like a long time since I was a "Miss". I kind of wanted to give him a hug for that. The last 20 years just whizzed right by. Why is it that the older you get the faster time seems to fly?

I remember as a kid the years seemed endless. It took forever to get to high school. Seemed like an eternity before I graduated. Even my early 20's went pretty slow. But now, wow, OMG I'm 43 and can't figure out where the last 20 years went. Then this morning I found a substantial wrinkle. When the hell did that get there? Now that's depressing.

But I don't feel that old. My body feels older yes, but my mind doesn't. The good old days seem like they were yesterday. When I get together with my girlfriends it's like we are back in high school again just as giggly and silly as ever. I used to be the young one at my job, now I'm the one with all the experience.

But I still feel young and fun and hopeful inside.

I am so much wiser then I used to be too, I have so many more things figured out. I wish I could go back and tell my young self all the things I've learned, warn myself of all the mistakes I made so that I can do it right.

I wish I could have warned myself about credit cards and yo-yo dieting. I wish I would have exercised more. I wish I would have saved money regularly. I wish I could have stopped myself from succumbing to peer pressure and not have partied as much. I wish I would have followed my heart and gone to art school or design school instead of business school. I wish I would have taken more chances and had a little more idea of who I wanted to be when I grew up.

Too bad we often don't figure that out until later on.

But I'm really glad for who I am, I think I turned out pretty good all in all. I think I did a lot of things right. Like being a good daughter and friend. Like marrying the right guy and being a good Step Mom. Like having strong work ethics and a great sense of responsibility. Like being creative and seeing the possibilities in life. The years have been pretty good really.

Maybe in 20 more years I'll look back and realize that it all happened for a reason. That every little second of my existence was meant to bring me to some great conclusion about life. Maybe I'll have figured out my purpose on this earth. Maybe the next twenty years will be better, more memorable and more exciting then these. Hopefully they will have come up with better wrinkle cream by then.

One can only hope.

Being Alone

I got an email today that asked,
"What is your greatest fear?".


I never really thought about this question until about 15 years or so ago. A bunch of us girls at work were talking around the lunch table. We were all in our late 20's or so and they were talking about having kids. I was never super interested in having babies. I mean I like kids and all, but just never really saw myself having any. One of the girls asked me, "if you don't have kids who is going to take care of you when you get old?" From then on I couldn't get that question out of my head. Who will take care of me? It became a very real fear.


I am the youngest of my siblings. My brother and sister are 9 and 12 years older then me. My husband is 10 years older then me. None of them in the best shape. Oh, they are healthy enough, but they all have one issue or another. My husband's philosophy about Doctors is, "if it aint broke don't fix it" , so I can't even get him checked out to see how many miles he's got left on him.

I didn't have biological kids, I don't have a great retirement plan. So what am I going to do?

I know I don't want to live in a nursing home that is for sure. But the way retirement communities cost, I'll never be able to afford it. My girls live out of the area, so it's going to be hard to rely on them. Not that I would want to burden them with my elder care.


My nephew assures me that he will invite me over for "Thanksgiving and stuff." That's somewhat reassuring I guess. But still...there is a very real possibility that I could end up alone. My sister says I shouldn't ponder things like that, "we all take our chances every day, any one of us could step off a curb and get hit by a bus at any time..." thanks sis, but that really doesn't make me feel any better either.


The way the economy is going I'm guessing that by the time I am ready to start collecting my social security it'll be gone. Never mind the hundreds of thousands of dollars I've paid in, it'll just be gone. *!Poof!*. Good God with the way the insurance and medical costs have increased what can I expect 25 years down road? Will someone please tell me why people are fighting health care reform??


I have this fantasy that my husband and I will go together. I couldn't imagine living one day with out him. But I'm guessing that will remain a fantasy too. I don't know why I have this strong feeling that I am going to outlive everyone I love. Is that weird? I'm not in the worlds greatest shape myself, so there's a very real possibility that somehow my subconscious mind is sabotaging me. If I don't take care of myself then I will die young. Then I won't have to outlive my loved ones and be alone. That's kind of twisted, but could quite possibly be true I suppose. I wonder what a psychoanalyst would say about that?


But I can't think like that. I can't have those doomsday thoughts. I can't envision myself as the crazy old cat lady surviving on cat chow. I need to put positive thoughts into the universe, right?


So I'm thinking I need a new game plan. I will need to gather some other old gals that will probably need a roommate or two. Perhaps we can start a home for wayward old ladies. Yeah, we can play cards and do crafts and wear funny red hats. We can take the bus to happy hour once a week and have sleepovers like we did when we were girls. We'll hire cute young gardeners to take care of the yard and maintenance. My girlfriends are pretty fun, I'm kinda hoping at least a few of them will want to join me in my Home for Old Hotties. It'll be like a perpetual girlfriend weekend.


Wait now, this is sounding more and more fun. Never mind all those fears, I think I'm going to be just fine. Instead of the crazy old cat lady - I can be "Cat Woman".

Reflection

It was my birthday yesterday. I'm officially middle age.

I spent the day reflecting.

Reflecting about the last year. I decided this last year kind of sucked. It sucked for a multitude of reasons but mostly I think because I let the stress of life get to me. I had a hard time rolling with the punches. I've taken a lot of hits of late.

I consider myself a bit of a perfectionist at some things, but I decided I need to do things better.

I'm going to do my job better and clean my house better. I'm going to eat better and work out better. I'm going to be a better friend, daughter and sibling. I'm going to be a better wife and Mom. I'm going to have a better attitude.

In general, I want to be a better person.

A person who is not quick to judge, admittedly I've been guilty of that. A person who is more open minded--some times I'm too set in my ways. A person who is willing to try anything once instead of turning up my nose to something I know nothing of. A person who takes more chances at life.

Overall, I'm one of the good ones, I know.

I know I have a good heart.

I love quite deeply.

I forgive.

I believe.

I try.

But I know I can do better. And this year, I will.

Today He's Mine

Today is my Anniversary.

I have spent 14 years with my love. 16 1/2 years since we met. I remember the day so vividly. He was so handsome. He had this quiet confidence and humility about him.

I was drawn to him the moment I saw him. If I hadn't turned around in that parking lot and gone back to find out his name, we may never have gone out. I called him that night, left a message for a number I got from information. It could have been the wrong guy, he could have been a weirdo or married or worse. I had never done that before. But I had to. We just had this chemistry between us. When our eyes met for the first time, it was like he was seeing down to the heart of my very being.

He didn't call me right away. I was upset because I thought he felt it too. Later he told me he had been seeing someone else at that time. He broke up with her to go out with me, he believed in monogamy. That made me feel pretty special.

He's such a good guy, with such a good heart. He's strong and honest and sensitive and true. He works hard, too hard I'm afraid. We laugh and we play. We sing and we dance. He likes art fairs and chick flicks. He always lets me drive the golf cart. Maybe he does those things just because he knows I like them, but still... alot of guys wouldn't. He doesn't have to play the macho card, and to me that makes him all the more a man.

To this day I swear he knows what I'm thinking. He knows what I want and need before I voice it myself. He's in my head. He's in my heart. He's my best friend, my lover, my everything.

And he's mine.

And I'm so lucky.

Life's messes

I know this woman. She is very neat. Everything in her house is immaculate. If you walk in at any given time you'd think you walked into a photo shoot for Better Homes and Gardens. She has very elegant taste. She takes impeccable care of her things. So much so that her possessions never show signs of wear. And that works for her, it's what makes her happy; cleanliness is next to Godliness and all.

But it got me to thinking; does her life show signs of wear?

My house is a mess. Don't ever just drop in, because I promise you I will not be prepared for company. Of course when company does come, my house is neat, but day-to-day my husband and I are disorganized at best. I put on a neat façade.

I think I'm ok with that though. I think my life shows signs of wear. I've been known to sacrifice cleanliness for good sheer reckless abandon. And I think that's a good thing. I've also been guilty of wasting an afternoon on a sunny day lying in the grass with my husband, daydreaming about a landscaping project, even when I had a sink full of dishes. Or at the drop of a hat be willing to run off to go for a walk or have lunch with a friend. Damn the chores, I figure the housework will be there when I come back; the opportunity to cocoon with my husband may not.

Now I'm not well traveled or haven't done anything supremely crazy in my life, other then hot air ballooning, a helicopter ride, and a few good road trips perhaps. But still I feel I've embraced things that maybe my clean friend has not. Like messy painting projects that take days to complete and digging in the dirt on a regular basis. Like diving into creative endeavors and various money making schemes. I've tried to expand my world. I've tried to give it some dimension, some scope outside the norm.

That is why I did years of craft boutiques and art shows. That's how I attempted to start a decorating business and a jewelry business, and why I freelance jobs. Maybe I'm enterprising; maybe I'm just in search of more. More fulfillment and more satisfaction to my being. I know too many people that just exist day to day, whose life is nothing but a daily grind of the same job, the same dinners, the same TV. Grinding away at the best years of their lives. Their life doesn't get too messy. I don't want to be that way.

So here again I sit, another project at hand. Another side gig hoping to be a second job. I'm letting my housework slide so I can put my thoughts to print. It always energizes me to start something new. Gets my blood pumping and the synapses firing. Maybe this time, I can bring it to fruition. Maybe once I feel fulfilled, I can get to those dishes.

Saturated

There's a sweet email that you get every once in a while about why women cry.

Basically it says that God made women really strong. Strong enough to deal with birth and stress and loss. Compassionate enough to feel our friend's pain. Brave enough to die to protect our children. Women were built to take on the weight of the world. And the gift that God gave them to shoulder all of this heartache was the gift of tears.

Today I am saturated.

I've taken on as much as I possibly can. I have no more to give. I cannot take any more work, any more stress. My brain is full.

I needed to cry.

I cried all day. Through a disagreement with a co-worker, through a sales proposal I wrote. I cried over my piece of chicken at lunch and through a confrontation with my boss. I cried on the way home. I cried until I had no more tears.

For I had to make room for more.

I had to make room for more work, more stress, more angst. And in order to do that I had to wring some out.

So today I cried. That was my gift.

I'm Taking Back My Life

I've decided in this new decade of my life that I have to start looking at the world differently.

Nothing is what it seems. Food is tainted, the air is polluted, and our lives are constantly plugged into some electrical device. Everything is on the fast track. We don't get a moment of peace anymore. Our cell phones follow us everywhere; we are bombarded by the media, bad news and gossip shows. Does it really matter what the Hollywood socialites do? Does it affect us? Does it make us feel different about ourselves? I say NO! Turn off the radio, the IPOD, the TV and listen to your own thoughts; you might be surprised by what you have to say. Whatever happened to living in the moment, appreciating a butterfly sipping dew, the quiet of a sunrise, a world of quiet serenity?

The only thing we can really do for ourselves is try to find time to escape the noise, the chores, the electricity of city life and escape to the quiet of nature. Feel the warmth of the sun on your face and the wind in your hair. Who cares if it messes up your hairdo ladies, roll down the windows in your car and sing at the top of your lungs – it's good for your soul. Who cares if you have a stack of dishes in the sink, go and play with your husband today. Hold hands and roll in the grass somewhere – take time for some romance. Forget your IPOD, go walk by a lake and let the birds sing to you. They will bring a rhythm all their own. Stop depriving yourself of lovely things because you are saving the good perfume for a special occasion or the silky panties for a fancy night out. Wear the pretty panties today! Enjoy the way the silkiness feels under your work clothes, it will give you something to smile about. Dab the good perfume on for you to enjoy. Dance with your hubby in the living room, lie on your bed naked, next to an open window and let the sunshine warm your skin.

There are simple pleasures that we need to take back. And I think the time is now. I have spent the majority of my life trying to fit into the norm. The normal size clothes, the normal job, keeping up with every new gadget, and it doesn't make me happy. What really makes me happy are the simple things. My husband's kisses, my purring cat in my lap, my Mom's love, sunset in my garden, the wind in my hair, a hot shower, a good cup of coffee with real cream. I'm giving up the clutter, the noise, the "stuff". I'm taking back me, my spirit, my joy, my life.

This Man I Know

This man I know is simple-

He's easy as the day is long.

He works so hard at working hard-

And still he fills his heart with song.


He views life as it is an experience-

And hopes to try each and every thing.

For even mundane tasks can be worthwhile-

If you view them as an opportunity.


He takes pride in job well done-

He's steady, reliable and true.

He's the man I'm proud to love-

And his spirit and soul shines through.


I couldn't have been more lucky-

To have walked into his view.

For now I call his heart mine-

and he holds my heart too.

The Wind

The Wind blows the hair from my eyes

With the wind comes clairity

With clairity comes thought

With thoughts come words

With words come tears, fears and smiles

The Wind bestows emotion

A tear rolls down my cheek

My hair is blown again

My heart is lifted

My spirit soars

The Wind is in my soul

A Mother's Wisdom

My Mother is a beautiful soul. She has so much wisdom about life and love. She is giving and kind and caring. The world would be a much better place if we all grew up with a Mom like mine.

Whenever I'm feeling down, I call my Mom and she lifts my spirits. She assures me that every thing is going to be ok. If I'm sick, she makes me feel better just by being sympathetic to what ails me. She always says "I wish I could take your pain away", just that tender gesture makes me feel better. When I'm feeling good, my Mom is right there to cheer for me and give me encouragement and hope. She's always there to lend a hand or an ear.

My Mom was born around the depression. She is from a large family. She's lived through times when she didn't have enough food to eat or money to go around. She's lived through hardships and sickness. She saw the advent of television and electric appliances. She married at the young age 17 and is still married to my Dad of 57 years. She knows what it is like to handle strife and challenges and chaos. She is nothing short of remarkable. And she is my best friend.

She may not have a college degree, but as far as I'm concerned, she has a Masters Degree in Life. She has the answers to pretty much anything I can throw at her. Especially when it comes to relationships. My Mom is the Queen of relationships. If there is anyone out there that can figure out the male psyche it's my Mom. I'm not sure what gives her this insight, whether it's having so many brothers or just being married for so long, she knows how a man thinks and she knows how to handle them. If it's true men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, my Mom is fluent in the Marsian language. It's truly a gift.

I credit my sensibility to my Mom and honestly my Grandma too. My sweet little Swedish Grandma was filled with the same kind of wisdom. She knew how to get to the heart of things. Her little Grandma-isms were simple, but true. Things like:
"If you don't want to be fat, don't eat so much"
"It's not a lie if you don't say it out loud"
"I can see you wherever you are, so be good"
or my favorite…"I'll have to worry about that tomorrow, I don't have time today"

Sometimes it's the simple words and simple thoughts that are the most intelligent. My Mom and my Grandma have the ability to put things into perspective with their gestures and words to some how make life seem less complex.

After all, when it comes down to it, we all face the same issues from day to day. We struggle with love. We struggle with self-image. We struggle with work and money and family. Perhaps if we simplified the way in which we perceive our problems life would make more sense.

Listen to your Mother's, they know from which they speak.

A Question

I asked three people the same question.

One's reply was, "I' know nothing about that, I can't help you."

The second said, "Yes, I know about that, but you will have to figure that out for yourself."

The third said, I'm not exactly sure, but let's figure that out together.

Why is it that three people I know all have such different answers? They are all people that I would consider having the same level of intelligence and success, probably similar political viewpoints.

You would think that the people I associate with would all agree on the simple fundamentals of the type of person they are.

But I'm realizing now that more often then not, they don't.

Is that a bad thing?

A good thing?

What type of person are you?

A Grateful Heart

"Always Live Your Life with a Grateful Heart"


No truer words were ever spoken. I'm not sure who said that but I think it's a beautiful way to live.

When you think about it, if we looked at life from a grateful perspective wouldn't we feel so much happier about our lives, our famlies, our world?

Instead of thinking how much your job sucks, why not appreciate the fact that in this economy you still have a job, a steady paycheck and thusly a home and car.

Instead of thinking about how you don't get along with your siblings you can turn that into at least I have a family, so many people don't. I have some where to go on Christmas and people who will welcome me in.

When you complain that you don't have new furniture or carpeting for your house; think about those that have no home at all. Be grateful that you have shelter.

If you are grumpy because you have some aches and pains from growing older. Remember that there are those with no limbs or no feeling at all. Be glad you can still walk.

As a society we need to be appreciative of the little things, the friendly smile of a server, the wish to "have a good day" from a customer. Appreciate the beauty of a simple sunset or sparkle of the sun on the window.

I prefer to live with that grateful heart in life. I know that little gestures of kindness matter. They lift the spirit of those feeling down; and in turn you will find your own spirits rise by being kind.

Assumptions

I found myself assuming that I would be bored, that I would have nothing in common with those I hadn't thought of in 20-some years.

For we weren't friends then, what would make me think I would be friends now.

I assumed wrong.

For what I discovered was another soul like me. Another creative mind seeking ways to release themselves in art, in words, in life.

A new old friend perhaps.

Some new adventures I hope.

As I come into the light I see that I am more then the culmination of my shy past. I have things to say and designs to create.

I will assume no more.

Loner

I've realized that for the last 10 years or so I've kind of been a loner. I work alone 80% of the time. And with so much communication done by email now, some days it feels like I hardly talk to anyone.

After leaving Advertising, I needed some downtime. Daily life there was pretty chaotic. I was majorly stressed and on overload. There was a particular person at the agency that made me absolutely miserable and I had to leave or I knew I would lose it. So I made a sudden move to my current position. And life suddenly got a lot more quiet.

My once merry-go-round world got real confined, real quick.

Even at home I feel alone. My husband works odd hours and a lot of the time our schedules clash. And sometimes even when he's home he falls asleep early, so I feel alone.

My kids live in different towns some distance away so we hardly see each other. My friends all have kids and lots of family activities which keeps them pretty busy. So I can go for months it seems before I get to see anyone beyond my daily existence. And let's face it, life can end up pretty routine. We get stuck in our wake-work-family-sleep cycle and forget that there is life beyond that.

So being alone a lot leaves me a lot of time with my thoughts. And most of the time I think my world feels pretty small.

As a kid I was pretty shy with strangers, and sometimes in a non-work related environment I still feel like that shy girl. I'm not sure why, as a general rule I feel pretty confident that I'm able to talk to almost anyone and make a connection. But when I'm unsure of myself, I retreat inward where it's safe.

But now, in this new phase of my life, I'm ready to shake it up again. I've had a chance to re-group. To re-think my goals, to remember what I'm passionate about. And I'm ready. Ready for some new interests, new challenges and new people.

Going to my networking group has been really good for me. It gets me out there and involved. It makes my world seem bigger. It makes it feel like there are endless opportunities at hand. It reminds me that life should be filled with passion and experiences. And it gets my wheels turning, ideas are coming to me at all hours. Ideas that finally seem within reach. So all I have to do now, is stretch.

Have You Ever Seen a Moonset?

"Have you ever seen a moonset?"
My husband whispered quietly in my ear.
"What's that", I asked as I opened my eyes and reached to draw him near.
"It's something special we should share,
come watch with me my love.
You'll see the darkness fade away
and the heavens rise above."
"It's so quiet", I said as I opened the window slowly to peer into the night—
The dew kissed grass and garden fragrance
filled our senses with delight.

The moon was full, white as snow,
and sat low in the western skies.
It gently dipped beyond the trees
as the sun was on the rise.
It was as if the world awakened;
the birds and insects filled with song.
The sky was scarlet and oh so bright,
the quiet moon now had gone.
Now and then when the moon is full,
I wake early hoping to see—
The fading moon and glorious sunrise

the Moonset once brought to me.

Her Souls Dream

Inside she's crying, her face shows no tears--
She's lost in the world alone with her fears.

In the night comes a vision of a love she will find-
With it comes happiness and laughter and finally

peace of mind.

She sees a candle flicker, lit softly by the fireplace glow-
It warms the midnight air as the thunder thrashes so.

Heated blues on CD create a mood of mystique-
As two lovers move together, two souls finally meet.

Their bodies form a rhythm and their hearts begin to pound- Their feelings are strong and passionate,

for love's been finally found.

But in the early morning light she slowly comes to see-
That this vision of love is empty, it is only but a dream.

Her heart aches now with sadness; this time she quietly cries.
Alone her soul is barren; alone she slowly dies.

Girlfriendship

There are some people that are meant to be in your life for just one day, some for years.
There are others that are there for when times get rough or others just for the party.

I've been blessed to call a few good women my friends. They are the kind of women I'm pretty sure I will know all of my life. Some I've had since childhood, most since high school. They've all drifted in and out of my life over the years, sometimes very present, some times gone for years at a time. But I would like to believe that if I needed them they would be there.

I've had one close friend since I was in 2nd grade. We spent afternoons after school together watching Gilligan's Island and the Brady Bunch re-runs. We played Yatzee and card games and climbed trees. She even tried to kill me on a skateboard once, but I forgave her, after all she did piggyback me into her house and have her mom fix me up. We've had our tiffs over the years, but I think the friendship of our youth kept us friends even when our adolescence said otherwise. She's one of those people that I can call, even if we haven't spoken to each other in a year, and pick up where we left off.

Another gal I hold dear I've been friends with since the summer after 6th grade. We were neighbors; I lived just down the hill from her. I spent so many days at her house that her parents actually considered me one of their kids. I am #5. The feeling is mutual. I always thought of her house as my second home and called her parent's Ma and Dad. We've had some great times to say the least. We slept in her yard with tents made of blankets and close lines. We snuck both in and out of her house upon occasion. And I know deep down in my heart, that she is the kind of person that I will always be able to count on, no matter what, no matter when, she'll be there. I expect to one day have to sneak in or out of the nursing home with her and I know it will be a blast.

Then there's this other gal; she is hilarious. I can always count on her for great conversation. We have a lot in common, a lot of laughs, and she's there if I just need to vent about something and bitch for a minute. She's drifted in and out of my life from time to time and lately it's been hard for us to hook up, but I know in my heart she's on my team.

The other girls in my group are the party gals. They are the ones that gather 3 or 4 times a year for Girls weekends, garden parties and Christmas. Not to downplay their friendship, because Lord knows we've been through a lot together; weddings, births, sicknesses, and deaths. They are the ones that throw you a shower, invite you to their kid's graduations and are there when your parents are sick. They are my home-girls and I will always hold them dear to my heart.

Then there are the people who come into your life briefly, for a day, a month, maybe a year. They are the kind souls that helped you when you had a flat tire, the gentle nurse that comforted you when your Dad had an operation or a co-worker that listened and offered advise when you were stressed. Maybe you only knew them for a short time, but their kindness and actions left an imprint on you. They may not be someone you will ever talk to again, but that doesn't mean they had any less impact on your life. I choose to go through my life believing that all people are good at heart. That if you show kindness to a stranger they will some how pass that kindness on to others. So I open doors for busy Moms and sweet little old ladies. I buy the next person in line a cup of coffee now and again. I let others merge in front of me on the highway and I wave in gratitude when they let me merge in.

I think that if we treated strangers like friends that people would begin to believe in the goodness of other's instead of the bad. And maybe, just maybe, the world would begin to change.

Inconsiderate People

What is it with people who have no consideration for others? I’ve noticed that either you are considerate or you are not. Some people were just raised with no manners I guess.

I think I was just brought up right. My Mom always said we were perfect angles growing up. We weren’t overly noisy kids, didn’t make messes in restaurants or break things in other people’s homes. She was never embarrassed or afraid to bring us anywhere. We had manners, she taught us well.

So one day last week I’m sitting at a restaurant, a fairly nice restaurant, with my Mom one afternoon for lunch. There were maybe 10 other parties in the place. And there was this group of about 8 people that had 2 kids. And the kids were just screaming, babbling, yelling, crying, and banging the silverware...it was completely annoying. They were so loud we could not carry on a conversation because we couldn’t hear ourselves speak. My blessed Mother, mid-conversation suddenly yells...”QUIET!”. I was so astonished that she, the Queen of Manners, let them have it. I burst out laughing while simultaneously ducking down in my seat. I peered around and saw that every other patron had a huge smile on their face and was giggling under their breath. A couple of them even clapped. She did what all of them wanted to do. The noisy table was suddenly quiet. Now why couldn’t the manager have come over and asked them to be quiet? For that matter, why weren’t the parents shutting their kids up? Why do people with little children think that it’s just fine to bring them to a restaurant or bar or store and let them behave so poorly? I pay good, hard-to-come-by, money to go out to eat, I really don’t want to share my experience with these rude family’s. You want to bring your kids to a restaurant, go to a kid-friendly place like McDonalds or Chucky Cheese. Don't make the rest of us suffer because you think your kids are cute. Trust me you are the only ones that do.

And this goes for neighbors too. In my neighborhood there are several homes with pools. Mostly above ground pools. I’ve grown to hate these people. Not only do these monstrosities look bad and bring my property value down, I have to listen to the ungodly screams of their kids playing. You know the screams I’m talking about too, the high-pitched shrill screams of the little girls that could break glass and the loud grunts of the boys. I live on a pond, and sounds carry quite easily. All summer long I have to listen to these kids. I can’t hear my TV or hear myself think for that matter with the incessant screams going on. I don’t think I should have to shut my windows on a beautiful day because the parents won’t discipline their kids. I have literally screamed out my patio door in desperation, “QUIT THE DAMN SCREAMING!” I guess I have a bit of my Mother in me too. I’ve considered calling the police, I’ve considered a petition to ban screaming kids. I’ve considered recording their screams and standing in front of their house with a boom box on full blast playing back the joyous little sounds of their kids. I kind of like that idea best. Too passive aggressive? Maybe. But... I don’t do any of those things, because why? Because I was raised with manners, I am just not that inconsiderate.

I Hope You Dance…

I have my first real vivid memories from when I was about 4 or 5 years old. They are of my Mom and Dad dancing in the living room. Saturday mornings my Mom cleaned house and would load the record player with at least 6 LP albums. There was always Elvis and Englebert Humperdink, and a few others I can't recall. She would vacuum and sing and wiggle to the beat. But as soon as The Last Waltz would come on my Dad would swoop my Mom up into his arms, she'd drop the vacuum, and they would dance. I remember the way the sun used to beam into the room, the rays were filled with floating dust particles that to my young eyes looked like glitter and sparkles. I remember sitting on the couch watching them glide across the room. They would smile and laugh and speak to each other with words only their eyes could interpret. Even at that young age I knew what romance was.

We are just a danc-y family. There is always music at family gatherings and Elvis is always on the play list, despite my brother-in-law's groans. As soon as one of his songs starts, we begin to sing-- we all know the words. My Mom starts to sway while she's doing the dishes and grabs who is ever close enough to do a little Lindy step with. It doesn't matter where you are or what time it is. When the music moves you, you have to go with it. My husband and I even took lessons when we first started to date. We practiced many nights in our living room and kitchen. And to this day when a West Coast beat comes on, he reaches for my hand to entice me into a swing.

And while my folks have had their share of health issues as they've aged, I don't think they have ever stopped dancing. They may move a little slower and prefer the cheek to cheek songs now, but I know that when their song starts to play my Dad reaches for her hand, and they still speak silent words that only their hearts understand.

Respect

I've noticed throughout my life that people who are close tend to take advantage of each other and treat each other with less respect as time goes on. Why is that?

Whether it's a boss with a superiority complex that constantly yells at his long time assistant or a couple that's been married 35 years -what is the model for treating some one right?

I know a couple that over time has lost their ability to communicate with each other. The guy is a hot head, the gal is resentful. He thinks that it's his way or no way and she is tired of his rants. They love each other. They both have really wonderful qualities and are really sweet people, but they do not fight fair. It's not all the time, but when it's bad, it's really bad.

I am concerned for them. I've offered advise, I've suggested counseling. I want them to be happy, they deserve to be happy. Sometimes I think the only resolution for them is to split up, but neither of them want that either. I want to help, but at the same time I just want to stay out of it.

But I get angry at this guy who is trying to control his wife and family. I can blatantly see that he does this, unconsciously perhaps, because he feels he has no control over his own world. He is very frustrated with his career. He's got a chip on his shoulder you could drive a truck through. But there is no talking to this guy, he thinks he is always right and that there are no other opinions that matter other then his. How do you deal with that?

I don't want to put all the blame on him, because I'm not sure that she really knows how to fight fair either. I think she's been angry for so long that she's lost some of her compassion toward him. And I think they get into screaming matches with each other that resolve nothing. They end up not talking until they have to. And the resentment and the communication gap just keeps growing.

I'm surrounded by couples that have been married from 15 to 60 years! I talk to these people and ask them what makes their marriages work. And the fundamental answer is that you have to have respect for your spouses feelings. Maybe you don't agree with how they may be feeling about something, but it is after all how they feel. They own those feelings. It is not your place to decide if those feelings are valid or not. If they are upset, they are upset. No matter if you think that they are "upset about nothing". What do you stand to gain from treating them as though their emotions don't matter?

And sometimes husbands, wives just need a hug when they are down. They don't want you to fix it. They don't want you to play devil's advocate. They don't need a dose of reality. They just need to know that you are there for them. They just want you to listen to them bitch or cry for a bit and then give them a hug and tell them it's going to be OK.

And wives, you've got to cut your guy some slack too. Men carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. They worry about money and the safety of their family. They worry about the house and the things that need to be fixed. They get stuck with all the shitty chores at home. They are afraid that you may get hurt or that something may happen to them. They want to provide, but more often then not these days, they fear they may not be able to. They often internalize your anger as being their fault, when that may not be necessarily true.

It's a scientific fact that when men get angry their blood pressure sky rockets and the only way to calm the pressure for some men is to yell, get physical or walk away. It's called the Fight or Flight syndrome. Women, on the other hand, feel the need to resolve an argument as soon as it starts. They want to keep talking until it's over. By this time the man is so heated he's irrational. If your guy needs a time out, give it to him. Give him a few hours to cool down. Don't push it and push it and push it until he explodes. Just let it be, know when to shut up.

You've got to learn let some things slide. Is it really a deal breaker if they leave their socks on the floor every night or if they leave little trails of messes behind them? Look at the big picture here. As my Mom always says, "choose your battles wisely". You may not be able to take back your words. You may apologize, but more often then not the damage is done. It may be forgiven, but not always forgotten.

I don't know, maybe I'm just lucky that I have a really good marriage. My husband and I have both learned from our past mistakes and know that it is important to treat each other with kindness. We have sort of an unspoken understanding that during the work week, the house might be a mess. And that I'm really not that interested in doing dishes every night when I get home. And likewise I know that my husbands clothes are going to pile up by the bathroom and he'll probably fall asleep on the couch. But by the weekend we each clean up our messes. We know that arguments about socks do more damage to a marriage then a messy house. We know that if we show each other some respect, that we can get through anything.

My Heart Skips a Beat

I haven’t written about Love. I’m a big fan of true love. I believe love should be our driving force in life. Often times my husband asks me, “what’s life all about?” And I always reply, “Love”. When he says, “what am I going to do with you” I always say, “just love me honey...”

It’s truly how I feel.

I didn't have the best track record for relationships. I guess you could say I was a late bloomer. I didn’t have my first real boyfriend till I was almost 16. He was an older then me and didn’t go to my school. We only dated about 3 months, but we remained friends for 9 years after that. I think I loved him more as a friend then I ever did as a boyfriend.

I really didn’t steadily date any other guys until I was 20 or 21. Then I had my first long term relationship. A whole 6 months. After that, there was no one for like 5 years! OK, that's not exactly true. I dated some, lots of first dates, not a lot of second dates. I had a couple 9-1/2 week relationships in there, but truthfully I was a very lonely girl. My friends would say I was too picky. And in some respect that was true. I didn't want to waste my time. I wanted the whole package. I wanted some one I was attracted to yes, but also some one who made me laugh and who I could carry on a conversation with. Is that too much to ask? I used to pray late at night that God would bring me some one who loved me for my heart and soul.

I met my husband when I was 26. I was in a really great place in my life. I had a great job I loved, I had just bought a brand new townhouse on my own. I had a new car. I was thin and pretty. What a catch huh? I think I exuded a level of confidence at that time that perhaps I never had before. He was smitten with me right away. The feeling was very mutual.

The night we met we couldn’t take our eyes off each other. It was the absolute strongest attraction I had ever had to another human being. I leaned over and told my girlfriend right then and there, that the dark haired man across the bar was the man I was going to marry. She thought I was drunk, but I was dead serious.

He asked me to marry him on our first date. A week later I said yes. 16 years and 4 months later I’m still with that man. I love him more now then I did back then. So you can say that there is no such thing as soul mates, but I disagree. I know that there was some force beyond our control that night that drew us together with such strength. That force has kept us together this long. And I do believe that we were meant to be together. We just fit. Where I'm weak, he's strong. I'm logical when he is not. He calms me, I excite him. We make sense.

And even though the years have changed us our love is just as deep. I’m not the size 6 I was back then, his hair is much more gray, our bellies are not nearly as flat as they used to be. But this man still makes me laugh, we can be silly. We can still talk all night long. We still play together and explore together. And every time he looks deep into my eyes we connect, and my heart still skips a beat.

Leap of Faith

There are so many days that I want to quit my job. I did once, but the boss-man talked me into coming back. A couple years ago I was offered a job that I turned down, WHY?

I know exactly why, I am afraid. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of not being accepted. I'm afraid I won't like where I end up, and did I mention that I really hate job hunting?

It's not that I have a bad job, in many ways I've got it made. I'm really good at what I do, and I love the interaction with my customers, but there's just something missing. My hearts not in it I guess. It's not where my passions lie.

A couple years ago I had my palm read. It was just for fun, but the gal was surprisingly accurate. She said she sees me like a horse rearing up ready to run--but not going anywhere. That is exactly how I've felt. Big ideas, but no follow through.

I think it goes back to that fear of failure. If I follow that dream and can't make it, then the dream dies. At least now I have the dream and in many ways that keeps me going. So I need to take that leap of faith I guess. Just go for it. And if on the way down it doesn't work out, well then I guess I start swimming...

I Deserve Joy

Someone reminded me today that I am worthy to live a joyous life. Wow. I know that, I mean I really do know that I am worthy. But it sort of freaks me out that this person, whom I haven't known for all that long, looks at me and sees someone who is not finding joy. They see someone who is carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. Perhaps a person who always tests the water before jumping in with a splash.

And, really, if I'm honest, it's true. I do worry about everything. I do carry the burden of my ill-run work place, my husband's poor eating habits and demanding hours, my children's decisions. I worry about my aging parent's health and my sibling's happiness. Why? I mean it's good to be concerned about others, but I think this person was correct in saying, "who's worrying about you?" I know in my heart my husband wants my happiness, and I know my family cares about my well being. But aside from that, no one is fretting near as much about my life as I am about theirs.

Perhaps it's a way to avoid making some changes in my world. After all, if I focus on them it takes the focus from me right? If I put the focus on me and I fail, then everyone will know I failed. But if I keep my challenges inside, and I fail, I am the only one I have to atone to.
Ooo--- that is hard to admit.

So this friend of mine is right. I do need to make decisions that make me happy. Damn the stigma that may be associated, I need to find some peace. I want to enjoy my life, not struggle through it.

So I'm going to do just that, I am going to find my joy. Whether it's in finding a career that soothes my soul, taking a very long, over-due vacation even though I can't afford it, or saying no to someone so that I can indulge myself, I'm going to do it.

I going to find a way to release these burdens I've placed on my shoulders and let some one else worry about it for a change.

I deserve joy. I deserve joy. I deserve joy.

Speaking my Soul

So last week when I went to my Creative networking group, I spoke my from my heart. I didn't give a synopsis of the last 20 years of my career, I spoke about what I love and want to do with my life. Our theme was "what did you want to do when you were 5". And honestly, I think 5 is probably a bit too young to really know. But I thought about it and I realized that the one thing that has been consistent in my life is writing. Now I've always written in a journal, from as early as I can remember, and they were always really personal thoughts. But I have a gift for gab, I love girl talk with the women in my world and I think I have a pretty balanced look at life so I'm feeling more and more like I would like to do a column about life. Hence, my blog. So I'm hoping my blog will lead me down other paths...magazine articles, local papers, maybe a book some day...who knows, but I know I can no longer contain my thoughts.

But I have other areas of interest, and I'm going to put them out into the universe and see what happens. My thoughts alone are not going to pay the bills right now.

So I stood up and I told my creative group that I had met a really interesting guy. And this guy has like 6 jobs. All of his jobs very diverse, in fact he might be spread a little too thin, but he is a truly happy guy. He loves life, he's fully engaged in it. He goes where he wants, when he wants and answers only to God and his wife. I really like this idea. At first I thought this guy was nuts, but you know, I think he's on to something. He has enough to do to keep him busy all the time any never gets sick of any one thing. They say that variety is the spice of life, if that is true, this guy's life is like cayenne pepper. So I got to thinking why can't I do that? Why can't I do the things that I totally enjoy and make them work for me? I am so sick of being stuck behind a desk all day. Most of the time I want to throw the phone and the computer out the window. I have fantasies about seeing them crash to the ground and burst into a million pieces. In fact, I truly blame my desk for the pain in my neck and a just little bit for the size of my ass. So what is stopping me from diversifying?

If I could do a combination of the three things that really soothe my soul it would be Jewelry Design, Interior Design and Writing. Probably not the 3 most lucrative career choices I could make, but if I spent some solid time at all three instead of just as hobbies, I'm sure I could make it work. OK, I'm not ready to quit my day job, but the possibility of it gets me all a flutter inside.

So I'm throwing it out there...God, Universe, Oprah...if any of you can help me get there...I sure could use a little help.

Yoga Has Changed My Life.

Yoga has changed my life. I know it sounds a bit corny to say, but it's true.

I started yoga a little over a year ago. My instructor is a sweet, older, kind of hippie-like lady that teaches MIND/BODY YOGA. She stresses the importance of meditation, and breathing along with the stretching and toning benefits of yoga. She begins with, "Our practice is not a competition with anyone else or even with ourselves". "It is meant to be it's own journey". Now, I've always been a self-conscious person. I don't want people looking at me when I'm playing golf and I really don't want them looking at me in my funky little stretch pants bending over into unsightly positions. But the beauty in yoga is that you are never looking at anyone else. In fact most of the time I sort of forget that anyone else is even in the room. You look ahead or up toward the sky. I like that concept. It frees you from being self-conscious and allows you to be fully aware of the movement. Most of the time I just shut my eyes and just feel the stretch and concentrate on my breath going in and out of my body. It is a very relaxing workout.

And I do mean work out. Yoga is not for sissy's let me tell you. Holding your body in these awkward positions is a challenge. And it's all about balance. Every move has a counter move, what you do on the right, you do on the left. No one wants a lop-sided body. My first session I couldn't believe how much I was sweating. OK, so I'm out of shape and somewhat hormonal, so it doesn't take a great amount to make me sweat these days, but I do , and in such a good way. At the end of my first session I got very light-headed. So much so that I had to sit in my car for 10 minutes before I could drive. My instructor said I had more then likely breathed more deeply in that hour then I probably had in years. Oxygen, what a concept.

And yoga really helps with stress. Almost instantly I felt more calm. When I started there was a lot of turmoil within my immediate family and it helped me to think of things in a calm manner. "Peaceful thoughts, peaceful words, peaceful heart” is how we always close our sessions. I started to apply these thoughts to my daily life. Ultimately my conflicts were resolved, and I believe they were because I began to change, not just my attitude, but also the way in which I responded to the conflict.

Physically I began to feel stronger, taller, if that’s possible, and more flexible. I had a lot of chronic low back pain and neck and jaw pain. My back pain stems from a car accident several years ago, along with a desk job and my passion for gardening. My neck pain, which I call computer-neck, also comes from working at a desk all day; and the TMJ, mostly from stress.

When I started Yoga in March ’08 the first real change I noticed was in the garden that spring. I wasn’t sore after a good days work. I was bending better and my stamina was improved. In fact, gardening is an excellent place to practice yoga. There is this move called "Spinal Balance" where basically you are on all fours, and you stretch your left arm in front of you and your right leg back. And as I was gardening this year I realized, "hey I'm doing spinal balance." Wasn't even trying to. I was just reaching and digging with one hand, balancing with the other and stuck my leg out so I didn't tip over as I was reaching. Well, go figure. And when I bend over at the waist, I'm doing Forward Fold, when I have to straddle plants as not to step on them while weeding, I'm doing Forward Straddle. It's really kind of cool how it interacts with your daily life. There are many times throughout my day I realize hey that's a yoga stretch and I never really knew it.


Normally I see a chiropractor for adjustments once every two to three weeks; I've had to for my neck and jaw, they were so tight. I have not had to visit my Doc in almost a year. My TMJ has relaxed so much so that I don’t find it necessary to wear a night mouth guard anymore. And my neck, although stiff at times, is much improved and any soreness can be relieved by a simple neck massage at home, rather then a visit to my Doc.

I've even got my husband to try a few of the stretches. If anyone needs to stretch it's him, he's got no flexibility. When he does it regularly it really helps his back. And we try to practice deep breathing before bed; it really helps your body drift slowly off to sleep.

These days I practice in class twice a week and at home most days. I also try to incorporate some simple positions into my work day too. This has been the only type of exercise that I actually look forward to, do not allow anyone to come between, and that I’ve been able to consistently stick with. I do believe that yoga will be a part of my life for the rest of my life.