I've noticed throughout my life that people who are close tend to take advantage of each other and treat each other with less respect as time goes on. Why is that?
Whether it's a boss with a superiority complex that constantly yells at his long time assistant or a couple that's been married 35 years -what is the model for treating some one right?
I know a couple that over time has lost their ability to communicate with each other. The guy is a hot head, the gal is resentful. He thinks that it's his way or no way and she is tired of his rants. They love each other. They both have really wonderful qualities and are really sweet people, but they do not fight fair. It's not all the time, but when it's bad, it's really bad.
I am concerned for them. I've offered advise, I've suggested counseling. I want them to be happy, they deserve to be happy. Sometimes I think the only resolution for them is to split up, but neither of them want that either. I want to help, but at the same time I just want to stay out of it.
But I get angry at this guy who is trying to control his wife and family. I can blatantly see that he does this, unconsciously perhaps, because he feels he has no control over his own world. He is very frustrated with his career. He's got a chip on his shoulder you could drive a truck through. But there is no talking to this guy, he thinks he is always right and that there are no other opinions that matter other then his. How do you deal with that?
I don't want to put all the blame on him, because I'm not sure that she really knows how to fight fair either. I think she's been angry for so long that she's lost some of her compassion toward him. And I think they get into screaming matches with each other that resolve nothing. They end up not talking until they have to. And the resentment and the communication gap just keeps growing.
I'm surrounded by couples that have been married from 15 to 60 years! I talk to these people and ask them what makes their marriages work. And the fundamental answer is that you have to have respect for your spouses feelings. Maybe you don't agree with how they may be feeling about something, but it is after all how they feel. They own those feelings. It is not your place to decide if those feelings are valid or not. If they are upset, they are upset. No matter if you think that they are "upset about nothing". What do you stand to gain from treating them as though their emotions don't matter?
And sometimes husbands, wives just need a hug when they are down. They don't want you to fix it. They don't want you to play devil's advocate. They don't need a dose of reality. They just need to know that you are there for them. They just want you to listen to them bitch or cry for a bit and then give them a hug and tell them it's going to be OK.
And wives, you've got to cut your guy some slack too. Men carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. They worry about money and the safety of their family. They worry about the house and the things that need to be fixed. They get stuck with all the shitty chores at home. They are afraid that you may get hurt or that something may happen to them. They want to provide, but more often then not these days, they fear they may not be able to. They often internalize your anger as being their fault, when that may not be necessarily true.
It's a scientific fact that when men get angry their blood pressure sky rockets and the only way to calm the pressure for some men is to yell, get physical or walk away. It's called the Fight or Flight syndrome. Women, on the other hand, feel the need to resolve an argument as soon as it starts. They want to keep talking until it's over. By this time the man is so heated he's irrational. If your guy needs a time out, give it to him. Give him a few hours to cool down. Don't push it and push it and push it until he explodes. Just let it be, know when to shut up.
You've got to learn let some things slide. Is it really a deal breaker if they leave their socks on the floor every night or if they leave little trails of messes behind them? Look at the big picture here. As my Mom always says, "choose your battles wisely". You may not be able to take back your words. You may apologize, but more often then not the damage is done. It may be forgiven, but not always forgotten.
I don't know, maybe I'm just lucky that I have a really good marriage. My husband and I have both learned from our past mistakes and know that it is important to treat each other with kindness. We have sort of an unspoken understanding that during the work week, the house might be a mess. And that I'm really not that interested in doing dishes every night when I get home. And likewise I know that my husbands clothes are going to pile up by the bathroom and he'll probably fall asleep on the couch. But by the weekend we each clean up our messes. We know that arguments about socks do more damage to a marriage then a messy house. We know that if we show each other some respect, that we can get through anything.
