I Hope You Dance…

I have my first real vivid memories from when I was about 4 or 5 years old. They are of my Mom and Dad dancing in the living room. Saturday mornings my Mom cleaned house and would load the record player with at least 6 LP albums. There was always Elvis and Englebert Humperdink, and a few others I can't recall. She would vacuum and sing and wiggle to the beat. But as soon as The Last Waltz would come on my Dad would swoop my Mom up into his arms, she'd drop the vacuum, and they would dance. I remember the way the sun used to beam into the room, the rays were filled with floating dust particles that to my young eyes looked like glitter and sparkles. I remember sitting on the couch watching them glide across the room. They would smile and laugh and speak to each other with words only their eyes could interpret. Even at that young age I knew what romance was.

We are just a danc-y family. There is always music at family gatherings and Elvis is always on the play list, despite my brother-in-law's groans. As soon as one of his songs starts, we begin to sing-- we all know the words. My Mom starts to sway while she's doing the dishes and grabs who is ever close enough to do a little Lindy step with. It doesn't matter where you are or what time it is. When the music moves you, you have to go with it. My husband and I even took lessons when we first started to date. We practiced many nights in our living room and kitchen. And to this day when a West Coast beat comes on, he reaches for my hand to entice me into a swing.

And while my folks have had their share of health issues as they've aged, I don't think they have ever stopped dancing. They may move a little slower and prefer the cheek to cheek songs now, but I know that when their song starts to play my Dad reaches for her hand, and they still speak silent words that only their hearts understand.

Respect

I've noticed throughout my life that people who are close tend to take advantage of each other and treat each other with less respect as time goes on. Why is that?

Whether it's a boss with a superiority complex that constantly yells at his long time assistant or a couple that's been married 35 years -what is the model for treating some one right?

I know a couple that over time has lost their ability to communicate with each other. The guy is a hot head, the gal is resentful. He thinks that it's his way or no way and she is tired of his rants. They love each other. They both have really wonderful qualities and are really sweet people, but they do not fight fair. It's not all the time, but when it's bad, it's really bad.

I am concerned for them. I've offered advise, I've suggested counseling. I want them to be happy, they deserve to be happy. Sometimes I think the only resolution for them is to split up, but neither of them want that either. I want to help, but at the same time I just want to stay out of it.

But I get angry at this guy who is trying to control his wife and family. I can blatantly see that he does this, unconsciously perhaps, because he feels he has no control over his own world. He is very frustrated with his career. He's got a chip on his shoulder you could drive a truck through. But there is no talking to this guy, he thinks he is always right and that there are no other opinions that matter other then his. How do you deal with that?

I don't want to put all the blame on him, because I'm not sure that she really knows how to fight fair either. I think she's been angry for so long that she's lost some of her compassion toward him. And I think they get into screaming matches with each other that resolve nothing. They end up not talking until they have to. And the resentment and the communication gap just keeps growing.

I'm surrounded by couples that have been married from 15 to 60 years! I talk to these people and ask them what makes their marriages work. And the fundamental answer is that you have to have respect for your spouses feelings. Maybe you don't agree with how they may be feeling about something, but it is after all how they feel. They own those feelings. It is not your place to decide if those feelings are valid or not. If they are upset, they are upset. No matter if you think that they are "upset about nothing". What do you stand to gain from treating them as though their emotions don't matter?

And sometimes husbands, wives just need a hug when they are down. They don't want you to fix it. They don't want you to play devil's advocate. They don't need a dose of reality. They just need to know that you are there for them. They just want you to listen to them bitch or cry for a bit and then give them a hug and tell them it's going to be OK.

And wives, you've got to cut your guy some slack too. Men carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. They worry about money and the safety of their family. They worry about the house and the things that need to be fixed. They get stuck with all the shitty chores at home. They are afraid that you may get hurt or that something may happen to them. They want to provide, but more often then not these days, they fear they may not be able to. They often internalize your anger as being their fault, when that may not be necessarily true.

It's a scientific fact that when men get angry their blood pressure sky rockets and the only way to calm the pressure for some men is to yell, get physical or walk away. It's called the Fight or Flight syndrome. Women, on the other hand, feel the need to resolve an argument as soon as it starts. They want to keep talking until it's over. By this time the man is so heated he's irrational. If your guy needs a time out, give it to him. Give him a few hours to cool down. Don't push it and push it and push it until he explodes. Just let it be, know when to shut up.

You've got to learn let some things slide. Is it really a deal breaker if they leave their socks on the floor every night or if they leave little trails of messes behind them? Look at the big picture here. As my Mom always says, "choose your battles wisely". You may not be able to take back your words. You may apologize, but more often then not the damage is done. It may be forgiven, but not always forgotten.

I don't know, maybe I'm just lucky that I have a really good marriage. My husband and I have both learned from our past mistakes and know that it is important to treat each other with kindness. We have sort of an unspoken understanding that during the work week, the house might be a mess. And that I'm really not that interested in doing dishes every night when I get home. And likewise I know that my husbands clothes are going to pile up by the bathroom and he'll probably fall asleep on the couch. But by the weekend we each clean up our messes. We know that arguments about socks do more damage to a marriage then a messy house. We know that if we show each other some respect, that we can get through anything.

My Heart Skips a Beat

I haven’t written about Love. I’m a big fan of true love. I believe love should be our driving force in life. Often times my husband asks me, “what’s life all about?” And I always reply, “Love”. When he says, “what am I going to do with you” I always say, “just love me honey...”

It’s truly how I feel.

I didn't have the best track record for relationships. I guess you could say I was a late bloomer. I didn’t have my first real boyfriend till I was almost 16. He was an older then me and didn’t go to my school. We only dated about 3 months, but we remained friends for 9 years after that. I think I loved him more as a friend then I ever did as a boyfriend.

I really didn’t steadily date any other guys until I was 20 or 21. Then I had my first long term relationship. A whole 6 months. After that, there was no one for like 5 years! OK, that's not exactly true. I dated some, lots of first dates, not a lot of second dates. I had a couple 9-1/2 week relationships in there, but truthfully I was a very lonely girl. My friends would say I was too picky. And in some respect that was true. I didn't want to waste my time. I wanted the whole package. I wanted some one I was attracted to yes, but also some one who made me laugh and who I could carry on a conversation with. Is that too much to ask? I used to pray late at night that God would bring me some one who loved me for my heart and soul.

I met my husband when I was 26. I was in a really great place in my life. I had a great job I loved, I had just bought a brand new townhouse on my own. I had a new car. I was thin and pretty. What a catch huh? I think I exuded a level of confidence at that time that perhaps I never had before. He was smitten with me right away. The feeling was very mutual.

The night we met we couldn’t take our eyes off each other. It was the absolute strongest attraction I had ever had to another human being. I leaned over and told my girlfriend right then and there, that the dark haired man across the bar was the man I was going to marry. She thought I was drunk, but I was dead serious.

He asked me to marry him on our first date. A week later I said yes. 16 years and 4 months later I’m still with that man. I love him more now then I did back then. So you can say that there is no such thing as soul mates, but I disagree. I know that there was some force beyond our control that night that drew us together with such strength. That force has kept us together this long. And I do believe that we were meant to be together. We just fit. Where I'm weak, he's strong. I'm logical when he is not. He calms me, I excite him. We make sense.

And even though the years have changed us our love is just as deep. I’m not the size 6 I was back then, his hair is much more gray, our bellies are not nearly as flat as they used to be. But this man still makes me laugh, we can be silly. We can still talk all night long. We still play together and explore together. And every time he looks deep into my eyes we connect, and my heart still skips a beat.

Leap of Faith

There are so many days that I want to quit my job. I did once, but the boss-man talked me into coming back. A couple years ago I was offered a job that I turned down, WHY?

I know exactly why, I am afraid. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of not being accepted. I'm afraid I won't like where I end up, and did I mention that I really hate job hunting?

It's not that I have a bad job, in many ways I've got it made. I'm really good at what I do, and I love the interaction with my customers, but there's just something missing. My hearts not in it I guess. It's not where my passions lie.

A couple years ago I had my palm read. It was just for fun, but the gal was surprisingly accurate. She said she sees me like a horse rearing up ready to run--but not going anywhere. That is exactly how I've felt. Big ideas, but no follow through.

I think it goes back to that fear of failure. If I follow that dream and can't make it, then the dream dies. At least now I have the dream and in many ways that keeps me going. So I need to take that leap of faith I guess. Just go for it. And if on the way down it doesn't work out, well then I guess I start swimming...

I Deserve Joy

Someone reminded me today that I am worthy to live a joyous life. Wow. I know that, I mean I really do know that I am worthy. But it sort of freaks me out that this person, whom I haven't known for all that long, looks at me and sees someone who is not finding joy. They see someone who is carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. Perhaps a person who always tests the water before jumping in with a splash.

And, really, if I'm honest, it's true. I do worry about everything. I do carry the burden of my ill-run work place, my husband's poor eating habits and demanding hours, my children's decisions. I worry about my aging parent's health and my sibling's happiness. Why? I mean it's good to be concerned about others, but I think this person was correct in saying, "who's worrying about you?" I know in my heart my husband wants my happiness, and I know my family cares about my well being. But aside from that, no one is fretting near as much about my life as I am about theirs.

Perhaps it's a way to avoid making some changes in my world. After all, if I focus on them it takes the focus from me right? If I put the focus on me and I fail, then everyone will know I failed. But if I keep my challenges inside, and I fail, I am the only one I have to atone to.
Ooo--- that is hard to admit.

So this friend of mine is right. I do need to make decisions that make me happy. Damn the stigma that may be associated, I need to find some peace. I want to enjoy my life, not struggle through it.

So I'm going to do just that, I am going to find my joy. Whether it's in finding a career that soothes my soul, taking a very long, over-due vacation even though I can't afford it, or saying no to someone so that I can indulge myself, I'm going to do it.

I going to find a way to release these burdens I've placed on my shoulders and let some one else worry about it for a change.

I deserve joy. I deserve joy. I deserve joy.

Speaking my Soul

So last week when I went to my Creative networking group, I spoke my from my heart. I didn't give a synopsis of the last 20 years of my career, I spoke about what I love and want to do with my life. Our theme was "what did you want to do when you were 5". And honestly, I think 5 is probably a bit too young to really know. But I thought about it and I realized that the one thing that has been consistent in my life is writing. Now I've always written in a journal, from as early as I can remember, and they were always really personal thoughts. But I have a gift for gab, I love girl talk with the women in my world and I think I have a pretty balanced look at life so I'm feeling more and more like I would like to do a column about life. Hence, my blog. So I'm hoping my blog will lead me down other paths...magazine articles, local papers, maybe a book some day...who knows, but I know I can no longer contain my thoughts.

But I have other areas of interest, and I'm going to put them out into the universe and see what happens. My thoughts alone are not going to pay the bills right now.

So I stood up and I told my creative group that I had met a really interesting guy. And this guy has like 6 jobs. All of his jobs very diverse, in fact he might be spread a little too thin, but he is a truly happy guy. He loves life, he's fully engaged in it. He goes where he wants, when he wants and answers only to God and his wife. I really like this idea. At first I thought this guy was nuts, but you know, I think he's on to something. He has enough to do to keep him busy all the time any never gets sick of any one thing. They say that variety is the spice of life, if that is true, this guy's life is like cayenne pepper. So I got to thinking why can't I do that? Why can't I do the things that I totally enjoy and make them work for me? I am so sick of being stuck behind a desk all day. Most of the time I want to throw the phone and the computer out the window. I have fantasies about seeing them crash to the ground and burst into a million pieces. In fact, I truly blame my desk for the pain in my neck and a just little bit for the size of my ass. So what is stopping me from diversifying?

If I could do a combination of the three things that really soothe my soul it would be Jewelry Design, Interior Design and Writing. Probably not the 3 most lucrative career choices I could make, but if I spent some solid time at all three instead of just as hobbies, I'm sure I could make it work. OK, I'm not ready to quit my day job, but the possibility of it gets me all a flutter inside.

So I'm throwing it out there...God, Universe, Oprah...if any of you can help me get there...I sure could use a little help.

Yoga Has Changed My Life.

Yoga has changed my life. I know it sounds a bit corny to say, but it's true.

I started yoga a little over a year ago. My instructor is a sweet, older, kind of hippie-like lady that teaches MIND/BODY YOGA. She stresses the importance of meditation, and breathing along with the stretching and toning benefits of yoga. She begins with, "Our practice is not a competition with anyone else or even with ourselves". "It is meant to be it's own journey". Now, I've always been a self-conscious person. I don't want people looking at me when I'm playing golf and I really don't want them looking at me in my funky little stretch pants bending over into unsightly positions. But the beauty in yoga is that you are never looking at anyone else. In fact most of the time I sort of forget that anyone else is even in the room. You look ahead or up toward the sky. I like that concept. It frees you from being self-conscious and allows you to be fully aware of the movement. Most of the time I just shut my eyes and just feel the stretch and concentrate on my breath going in and out of my body. It is a very relaxing workout.

And I do mean work out. Yoga is not for sissy's let me tell you. Holding your body in these awkward positions is a challenge. And it's all about balance. Every move has a counter move, what you do on the right, you do on the left. No one wants a lop-sided body. My first session I couldn't believe how much I was sweating. OK, so I'm out of shape and somewhat hormonal, so it doesn't take a great amount to make me sweat these days, but I do , and in such a good way. At the end of my first session I got very light-headed. So much so that I had to sit in my car for 10 minutes before I could drive. My instructor said I had more then likely breathed more deeply in that hour then I probably had in years. Oxygen, what a concept.

And yoga really helps with stress. Almost instantly I felt more calm. When I started there was a lot of turmoil within my immediate family and it helped me to think of things in a calm manner. "Peaceful thoughts, peaceful words, peaceful heart” is how we always close our sessions. I started to apply these thoughts to my daily life. Ultimately my conflicts were resolved, and I believe they were because I began to change, not just my attitude, but also the way in which I responded to the conflict.

Physically I began to feel stronger, taller, if that’s possible, and more flexible. I had a lot of chronic low back pain and neck and jaw pain. My back pain stems from a car accident several years ago, along with a desk job and my passion for gardening. My neck pain, which I call computer-neck, also comes from working at a desk all day; and the TMJ, mostly from stress.

When I started Yoga in March ’08 the first real change I noticed was in the garden that spring. I wasn’t sore after a good days work. I was bending better and my stamina was improved. In fact, gardening is an excellent place to practice yoga. There is this move called "Spinal Balance" where basically you are on all fours, and you stretch your left arm in front of you and your right leg back. And as I was gardening this year I realized, "hey I'm doing spinal balance." Wasn't even trying to. I was just reaching and digging with one hand, balancing with the other and stuck my leg out so I didn't tip over as I was reaching. Well, go figure. And when I bend over at the waist, I'm doing Forward Fold, when I have to straddle plants as not to step on them while weeding, I'm doing Forward Straddle. It's really kind of cool how it interacts with your daily life. There are many times throughout my day I realize hey that's a yoga stretch and I never really knew it.


Normally I see a chiropractor for adjustments once every two to three weeks; I've had to for my neck and jaw, they were so tight. I have not had to visit my Doc in almost a year. My TMJ has relaxed so much so that I don’t find it necessary to wear a night mouth guard anymore. And my neck, although stiff at times, is much improved and any soreness can be relieved by a simple neck massage at home, rather then a visit to my Doc.

I've even got my husband to try a few of the stretches. If anyone needs to stretch it's him, he's got no flexibility. When he does it regularly it really helps his back. And we try to practice deep breathing before bed; it really helps your body drift slowly off to sleep.

These days I practice in class twice a week and at home most days. I also try to incorporate some simple positions into my work day too. This has been the only type of exercise that I actually look forward to, do not allow anyone to come between, and that I’ve been able to consistently stick with. I do believe that yoga will be a part of my life for the rest of my life.