OMG I can't be that old

I went for coffee today. The young man at the register called me "Miss" wow, seems like a long time since I was a "Miss". I kind of wanted to give him a hug for that. The last 20 years just whizzed right by. Why is it that the older you get the faster time seems to fly?

I remember as a kid the years seemed endless. It took forever to get to high school. Seemed like an eternity before I graduated. Even my early 20's went pretty slow. But now, wow, OMG I'm 43 and can't figure out where the last 20 years went. Then this morning I found a substantial wrinkle. When the hell did that get there? Now that's depressing.

But I don't feel that old. My body feels older yes, but my mind doesn't. The good old days seem like they were yesterday. When I get together with my girlfriends it's like we are back in high school again just as giggly and silly as ever. I used to be the young one at my job, now I'm the one with all the experience.

But I still feel young and fun and hopeful inside.

I am so much wiser then I used to be too, I have so many more things figured out. I wish I could go back and tell my young self all the things I've learned, warn myself of all the mistakes I made so that I can do it right.

I wish I could have warned myself about credit cards and yo-yo dieting. I wish I would have exercised more. I wish I would have saved money regularly. I wish I could have stopped myself from succumbing to peer pressure and not have partied as much. I wish I would have followed my heart and gone to art school or design school instead of business school. I wish I would have taken more chances and had a little more idea of who I wanted to be when I grew up.

Too bad we often don't figure that out until later on.

But I'm really glad for who I am, I think I turned out pretty good all in all. I think I did a lot of things right. Like being a good daughter and friend. Like marrying the right guy and being a good Step Mom. Like having strong work ethics and a great sense of responsibility. Like being creative and seeing the possibilities in life. The years have been pretty good really.

Maybe in 20 more years I'll look back and realize that it all happened for a reason. That every little second of my existence was meant to bring me to some great conclusion about life. Maybe I'll have figured out my purpose on this earth. Maybe the next twenty years will be better, more memorable and more exciting then these. Hopefully they will have come up with better wrinkle cream by then.

One can only hope.

Being Alone

I got an email today that asked,
"What is your greatest fear?".


I never really thought about this question until about 15 years or so ago. A bunch of us girls at work were talking around the lunch table. We were all in our late 20's or so and they were talking about having kids. I was never super interested in having babies. I mean I like kids and all, but just never really saw myself having any. One of the girls asked me, "if you don't have kids who is going to take care of you when you get old?" From then on I couldn't get that question out of my head. Who will take care of me? It became a very real fear.


I am the youngest of my siblings. My brother and sister are 9 and 12 years older then me. My husband is 10 years older then me. None of them in the best shape. Oh, they are healthy enough, but they all have one issue or another. My husband's philosophy about Doctors is, "if it aint broke don't fix it" , so I can't even get him checked out to see how many miles he's got left on him.

I didn't have biological kids, I don't have a great retirement plan. So what am I going to do?

I know I don't want to live in a nursing home that is for sure. But the way retirement communities cost, I'll never be able to afford it. My girls live out of the area, so it's going to be hard to rely on them. Not that I would want to burden them with my elder care.


My nephew assures me that he will invite me over for "Thanksgiving and stuff." That's somewhat reassuring I guess. But still...there is a very real possibility that I could end up alone. My sister says I shouldn't ponder things like that, "we all take our chances every day, any one of us could step off a curb and get hit by a bus at any time..." thanks sis, but that really doesn't make me feel any better either.


The way the economy is going I'm guessing that by the time I am ready to start collecting my social security it'll be gone. Never mind the hundreds of thousands of dollars I've paid in, it'll just be gone. *!Poof!*. Good God with the way the insurance and medical costs have increased what can I expect 25 years down road? Will someone please tell me why people are fighting health care reform??


I have this fantasy that my husband and I will go together. I couldn't imagine living one day with out him. But I'm guessing that will remain a fantasy too. I don't know why I have this strong feeling that I am going to outlive everyone I love. Is that weird? I'm not in the worlds greatest shape myself, so there's a very real possibility that somehow my subconscious mind is sabotaging me. If I don't take care of myself then I will die young. Then I won't have to outlive my loved ones and be alone. That's kind of twisted, but could quite possibly be true I suppose. I wonder what a psychoanalyst would say about that?


But I can't think like that. I can't have those doomsday thoughts. I can't envision myself as the crazy old cat lady surviving on cat chow. I need to put positive thoughts into the universe, right?


So I'm thinking I need a new game plan. I will need to gather some other old gals that will probably need a roommate or two. Perhaps we can start a home for wayward old ladies. Yeah, we can play cards and do crafts and wear funny red hats. We can take the bus to happy hour once a week and have sleepovers like we did when we were girls. We'll hire cute young gardeners to take care of the yard and maintenance. My girlfriends are pretty fun, I'm kinda hoping at least a few of them will want to join me in my Home for Old Hotties. It'll be like a perpetual girlfriend weekend.


Wait now, this is sounding more and more fun. Never mind all those fears, I think I'm going to be just fine. Instead of the crazy old cat lady - I can be "Cat Woman".

Reflection

It was my birthday yesterday. I'm officially middle age.

I spent the day reflecting.

Reflecting about the last year. I decided this last year kind of sucked. It sucked for a multitude of reasons but mostly I think because I let the stress of life get to me. I had a hard time rolling with the punches. I've taken a lot of hits of late.

I consider myself a bit of a perfectionist at some things, but I decided I need to do things better.

I'm going to do my job better and clean my house better. I'm going to eat better and work out better. I'm going to be a better friend, daughter and sibling. I'm going to be a better wife and Mom. I'm going to have a better attitude.

In general, I want to be a better person.

A person who is not quick to judge, admittedly I've been guilty of that. A person who is more open minded--some times I'm too set in my ways. A person who is willing to try anything once instead of turning up my nose to something I know nothing of. A person who takes more chances at life.

Overall, I'm one of the good ones, I know.

I know I have a good heart.

I love quite deeply.

I forgive.

I believe.

I try.

But I know I can do better. And this year, I will.

Today He's Mine

Today is my Anniversary.

I have spent 14 years with my love. 16 1/2 years since we met. I remember the day so vividly. He was so handsome. He had this quiet confidence and humility about him.

I was drawn to him the moment I saw him. If I hadn't turned around in that parking lot and gone back to find out his name, we may never have gone out. I called him that night, left a message for a number I got from information. It could have been the wrong guy, he could have been a weirdo or married or worse. I had never done that before. But I had to. We just had this chemistry between us. When our eyes met for the first time, it was like he was seeing down to the heart of my very being.

He didn't call me right away. I was upset because I thought he felt it too. Later he told me he had been seeing someone else at that time. He broke up with her to go out with me, he believed in monogamy. That made me feel pretty special.

He's such a good guy, with such a good heart. He's strong and honest and sensitive and true. He works hard, too hard I'm afraid. We laugh and we play. We sing and we dance. He likes art fairs and chick flicks. He always lets me drive the golf cart. Maybe he does those things just because he knows I like them, but still... alot of guys wouldn't. He doesn't have to play the macho card, and to me that makes him all the more a man.

To this day I swear he knows what I'm thinking. He knows what I want and need before I voice it myself. He's in my head. He's in my heart. He's my best friend, my lover, my everything.

And he's mine.

And I'm so lucky.