Speaking my Soul

So last week when I went to my Creative networking group, I spoke my from my heart. I didn't give a synopsis of the last 20 years of my career, I spoke about what I love and want to do with my life. Our theme was "what did you want to do when you were 5". And honestly, I think 5 is probably a bit too young to really know. But I thought about it and I realized that the one thing that has been consistent in my life is writing. Now I've always written in a journal, from as early as I can remember, and they were always really personal thoughts. But I have a gift for gab, I love girl talk with the women in my world and I think I have a pretty balanced look at life so I'm feeling more and more like I would like to do a column about life. Hence, my blog. So I'm hoping my blog will lead me down other paths...magazine articles, local papers, maybe a book some day...who knows, but I know I can no longer contain my thoughts.

But I have other areas of interest, and I'm going to put them out into the universe and see what happens. My thoughts alone are not going to pay the bills right now.

So I stood up and I told my creative group that I had met a really interesting guy. And this guy has like 6 jobs. All of his jobs very diverse, in fact he might be spread a little too thin, but he is a truly happy guy. He loves life, he's fully engaged in it. He goes where he wants, when he wants and answers only to God and his wife. I really like this idea. At first I thought this guy was nuts, but you know, I think he's on to something. He has enough to do to keep him busy all the time any never gets sick of any one thing. They say that variety is the spice of life, if that is true, this guy's life is like cayenne pepper. So I got to thinking why can't I do that? Why can't I do the things that I totally enjoy and make them work for me? I am so sick of being stuck behind a desk all day. Most of the time I want to throw the phone and the computer out the window. I have fantasies about seeing them crash to the ground and burst into a million pieces. In fact, I truly blame my desk for the pain in my neck and a just little bit for the size of my ass. So what is stopping me from diversifying?

If I could do a combination of the three things that really soothe my soul it would be Jewelry Design, Interior Design and Writing. Probably not the 3 most lucrative career choices I could make, but if I spent some solid time at all three instead of just as hobbies, I'm sure I could make it work. OK, I'm not ready to quit my day job, but the possibility of it gets me all a flutter inside.

So I'm throwing it out there...God, Universe, Oprah...if any of you can help me get there...I sure could use a little help.

Yoga Has Changed My Life.

Yoga has changed my life. I know it sounds a bit corny to say, but it's true.

I started yoga a little over a year ago. My instructor is a sweet, older, kind of hippie-like lady that teaches MIND/BODY YOGA. She stresses the importance of meditation, and breathing along with the stretching and toning benefits of yoga. She begins with, "Our practice is not a competition with anyone else or even with ourselves". "It is meant to be it's own journey". Now, I've always been a self-conscious person. I don't want people looking at me when I'm playing golf and I really don't want them looking at me in my funky little stretch pants bending over into unsightly positions. But the beauty in yoga is that you are never looking at anyone else. In fact most of the time I sort of forget that anyone else is even in the room. You look ahead or up toward the sky. I like that concept. It frees you from being self-conscious and allows you to be fully aware of the movement. Most of the time I just shut my eyes and just feel the stretch and concentrate on my breath going in and out of my body. It is a very relaxing workout.

And I do mean work out. Yoga is not for sissy's let me tell you. Holding your body in these awkward positions is a challenge. And it's all about balance. Every move has a counter move, what you do on the right, you do on the left. No one wants a lop-sided body. My first session I couldn't believe how much I was sweating. OK, so I'm out of shape and somewhat hormonal, so it doesn't take a great amount to make me sweat these days, but I do , and in such a good way. At the end of my first session I got very light-headed. So much so that I had to sit in my car for 10 minutes before I could drive. My instructor said I had more then likely breathed more deeply in that hour then I probably had in years. Oxygen, what a concept.

And yoga really helps with stress. Almost instantly I felt more calm. When I started there was a lot of turmoil within my immediate family and it helped me to think of things in a calm manner. "Peaceful thoughts, peaceful words, peaceful heart” is how we always close our sessions. I started to apply these thoughts to my daily life. Ultimately my conflicts were resolved, and I believe they were because I began to change, not just my attitude, but also the way in which I responded to the conflict.

Physically I began to feel stronger, taller, if that’s possible, and more flexible. I had a lot of chronic low back pain and neck and jaw pain. My back pain stems from a car accident several years ago, along with a desk job and my passion for gardening. My neck pain, which I call computer-neck, also comes from working at a desk all day; and the TMJ, mostly from stress.

When I started Yoga in March ’08 the first real change I noticed was in the garden that spring. I wasn’t sore after a good days work. I was bending better and my stamina was improved. In fact, gardening is an excellent place to practice yoga. There is this move called "Spinal Balance" where basically you are on all fours, and you stretch your left arm in front of you and your right leg back. And as I was gardening this year I realized, "hey I'm doing spinal balance." Wasn't even trying to. I was just reaching and digging with one hand, balancing with the other and stuck my leg out so I didn't tip over as I was reaching. Well, go figure. And when I bend over at the waist, I'm doing Forward Fold, when I have to straddle plants as not to step on them while weeding, I'm doing Forward Straddle. It's really kind of cool how it interacts with your daily life. There are many times throughout my day I realize hey that's a yoga stretch and I never really knew it.


Normally I see a chiropractor for adjustments once every two to three weeks; I've had to for my neck and jaw, they were so tight. I have not had to visit my Doc in almost a year. My TMJ has relaxed so much so that I don’t find it necessary to wear a night mouth guard anymore. And my neck, although stiff at times, is much improved and any soreness can be relieved by a simple neck massage at home, rather then a visit to my Doc.

I've even got my husband to try a few of the stretches. If anyone needs to stretch it's him, he's got no flexibility. When he does it regularly it really helps his back. And we try to practice deep breathing before bed; it really helps your body drift slowly off to sleep.

These days I practice in class twice a week and at home most days. I also try to incorporate some simple positions into my work day too. This has been the only type of exercise that I actually look forward to, do not allow anyone to come between, and that I’ve been able to consistently stick with. I do believe that yoga will be a part of my life for the rest of my life.

Fathers

My Dad and I weren't always close. We were when I was little though. I have fond memories of climbing into his lap every night, him telling me stories and doing magic. He used to make up stories about mystical fairies and diamonds in the sky and would tell it with such enthusiasm and character. When his big strong arms were wrapped around me, I felt so safe, so loved.

Now the adolescent years, were not nearly as much fun. My Dad was pretty old fashioned, a 20 year military man. So there wasn't a whole lot I could get away with. We had our challenges that's for sure. We definitely didn't see eye to eye. We had communication issues that pretty much lasted until I went off to school and moved out of the house. I didn't "get" him and he certainly didn't "get" me.

But over the years, he sort of mellowed out and I guess in some respect so did I. As adults I think we tend to look back at our childhood and think of it as either being successful and happy or not so great. I guess I was sort of somewhere in the middle. There were plenty of good memories, but some not so good ones too. I had friends who were pretty close to their Dad's. They could talk to them about anything, but not my Dad. He was pretty rigid when it came to some things, he wasn't very open, and there became this increasing communication gap between us. Really, it wasn't his fault, and it really wasn't mine either for that matter. It just was what it was. But one thing I know for sure, my Dad always loved me; even if he didn't always know how I needed him to show it.

As I grew up I realized I needed to cut my Dad some slack and forgive him for the times I felt wronged and understand that Dad's are people too. He didn't have a perfect childhood either, his Dad wasn't a loving and caring person. Maybe in those days the caring was left to the women. Maybe it just takes growing up and becoming a parent yourself before you really realize what your parents sacrifice for you. Whether it is giving up on a dream, a gadget that they want, a vacation...they make sacrifices so we can have and do things. I doubt to this day though that he would ever admit that. Maybe my Dad didn't always do or say the right things, but I know that deep down he always had the best of intentions.

So I made a conscious choice to move forward. To have more then just superficial conversations with him. Oh, he still asks me things like: "hows your car running, have you changed the oil lately, do you need any money?" But now we also talk about things like life, political viewpoints, and love. Sometimes I have to be the one to keep the conversation going, and you know what, that is ok. He's kind of set in his ways; but I am capable of change.

So today Daddy, this is my day to tell you I love you. To thank you for all that you have done. For making me smile and laugh as a child, for protecting me as an adolescent and for supporting my dreams, my hopes, and my choices in life. For many years I thought you didn't share your life with me, but I now know that you did much more...you gave me a life.

Happy Father's Day Daddy...I love you!

Loving What You Do

A friend of mine suggested that I blog about my old Advertising days. Oh, the stories I could tell...

But honestly, it's been a decade since I worked there and I'm not sure I remember any real specific stories. But what I do remember is having a job that I loved. There's a feeling way down deep in my gut that flickers every time I think about it.

I started there right after school. It was the first job posting I read, my first interview, I got the job. It was a great job! I loved it. My goal at that time was not to work in Advertising, no I went to business school, I started as the secretary when I was 21. But Advertising has a way of sucking you into it. It was a great place to work. Creative people are really fun to be around. They usually have really good senses of humor, they are artistic, they were all young and full of ideas and antics. I soon realized that this is where I was destined to be.

The agency was small when I first joined, about 25 people. The owners were great, they treated me like family, my Uncle bosses. I learned so much those first few years, I was like a sponge just sucking up all the information I could get. I learned how to use the stat camera, run films and plates, hell I even learned to use the drill in the print shop. It was a blast. The owners were so great at letting you spread your wings and learn what you wanted. I wasn't an artist, but I learned to do page layouts and keyline and began to really develop my artistic skills. When the advent of the macs came into play I learned to use the graphics programs. At times I wrote and edited copy for brochures and flyers, I got to take part in photoshoots and video shoots. They were really willing to let me try pretty much anything I showed interest in. I couldn't have been any luckier to land a first job like that one.

I will never forget the feeling of really loving my job. Looking forward to going to work every day, not minding if I had to work late, coming in on Sundays...it was all good. I was growing and changing, I was excited and challenged. I felt is if I had the world at my feet and there were endless opportunities in front of me. What a wonderful feeling.

These days I'm not feeling that way too much. I mean my current job is OK, there are parts of it I really like. But I so miss the camaraderie of my advertising friends, the laughs, the excitement. I'm not sure that I will ever find another group like that one. Those first few years we really had a great bunch of people there. The agency grew fast and by the time I left it was up to 65 employees. Some of the dynamics changed, the bosses were spread pretty thin, things were more serious, but I know the heart of the place never changed, their core values are still in tact. I still hold fondly the memories of those creative folks; the bosses who let me spread my wings, those people who molded me and taught me everything I know about Advertising today. I will always hold them in high esteem. And every job I shall ever hold will always be compared to that one.

My Heart is Full

My heart is full today. I had a very over-due and wonderful conversation last night that left me with so many warm feelings, so much hope, so much happiness. My step-daughter, no my daughter, wants to call me Mom. How cool is that.

For a long time I wanted her to feel that way, but never wanted to push it. I never wanted to come between her and her Mother, I just wanted to be a part of her life. She let me know just how much I have meant to her and feels so close that she wants to call me Mom. I am so touched, I am so honored.

Steps are for buildings I guess, I am family now....

My Garden

I spent most of the day in my garden. Such a fulfilling way to spend the morning. When I got out there it was so cool and quiet. The only things that were awake were the birds. Oh, how they serenaded me.


This year for Mother's day my hubby bought me a tiller, no it was a great gift, I really wanted one - I loved it. And I loved it even more that he did the tilling for me. He spent the entire day letting me tell him what I wanted done and doing it without questioning me or arguing with me. It was a dream come true! Now just to clarify, we don't spend our time arguing in the garden. No in fact usually we both have our own agendas. You see we have his and hers gardens. Mine is strictly flowers, his has become what I call, the woodland garden. So we often go our separate ways and work our own areas. We have strict rule that we don't mess with each other's gardens.
I do my thing, he does his.


At one time his was a vegetable garden with these fancy raised beds he built with bendy board and cedar. But after a couple years and a few end-of-the-season sales at the garden center, the once veggie bed had become an oasis for sad, half-dead shrubs. He mixed this fantastic soil. A blend of peat, poop, black dirt, clay and sand with a great drainage field of river stones for a base. The magic soil worked wonders on the pathetic looking shrubs he'd bring home in October. By spring they would be twice their size and flourishing! So, some of the shrubs stayed and some moved around the house, and the addition of a weeping willow near by gave his beds shade and his flair for structure and symmetry gave the beds depth. Thus the name, woodland garden.


I, on the other hand , just want flowers. It's a great blend of perennials and annuals. And this morning I finally got some annuals in. After the tilling we had cleaned out the beds of all the grass and weeds that popped up in spring and mixed in some new compost to give it a boost. My first round of perennials: ajuga, phlox and spurge are done blooming and the second round is coming right along. Only for some reason it's all purple this year. My catmint and salvias are blooming beautifully but I pulled all the annoying spreaders that had been bugging me and now I have a monochrome garden! It's kind of cool though, but I'm in desperate need of pink and yellow. I'm determined not to fatten the bunnies again this year so I'm avoiding my favorite petunias and going for marigolds, zinnias, dianthus and for kicks, a couple spreading geraniums. We'll see how it goes. But the annuals, oh, they are such instant gratification!

Networking

I went to a networking group today. This one was different, this was a creative group. The gal who started it was right, you could feel a different energy in the room, different from other networking groups I've been to. This one was easy, I felt like myself. Like I didn't have to put on a 30 second commercial about myself, but I could actually speak my desires.

This was my first time there, and of course our table had to get up and speak first. I wanted to go last, to see what everyone else said , but I got up, said my name and told them what I do for a living, or what I've been doing for most of my career. By the time everyone else spoke I wished instead of telling them what I do, I could tell them what I desire to do. There's a big difference.

I love creative people, we are just on a whole different plane then non-creative types. As our leader put it, "we have a light behind our eyes that leads us to our passions." I like that concept and it's so true. How many people have you meant that are left-brain, obsessive types that have to cross all their t's and dot their i's just so or they can't sleep. They have a specific goal in mind and most often achieve it. Creative types on the other hand like to look at the possibilities of how else they can make the t or the i look. Perhaps we dot our i's with flowers or hearts. Maybe our t's are swirly or backwards. Ok, I'm not a flowery type person, and I'm not 12, so I don't dot my i's with flowers, my literal i's and t's are normal, but my perspective is different I guess. I look at the possibilities of things in many shades rather then sticking to black and white or right and wrong.

So next week when I go to the meeting I am going to speak my heart, not my resume'. I'm going to mention my love for writing from my heart, my longing for jewelry and interior design, my quest for natural health and spirituality. I want to use this opportunity with this rare bunch of right-brainers to see if any of them can help me find my passions and live the life I've only dreamed I could.

Busy-ness

Why is it that when you decide to start making a change toward something suddenly everything else in life changes too. I mean it's good, don't get me wrong, it's energizing. But suddenly your once peaceful life becomes a hectic array of appointment after appointment.

I'm generally a homebody. I like my house, I like my yard, I like being home and putzing around the house. I have oodles and oodles of projects and hobbies to keep me busy for weeks and weeks. If we were ever snowed in for any length, I'd be totally happy. Leave me a few bottles of Riesling and I'd be even happier. I might go a little stir crazy after a while, but I'd be occupied.

Lately everything is changing. The job world, networking, social media commitments, my body, my mind, you name it it's in flux right now. I like it, I feel kind of buzzed from the energy, but I sort of feel like I'm on a merry-go-round too. Just spinning aimlessly watching things whizz by in a blur.

Networking

I'm on a job hunt. It's not fun. I've never really had to interview for a position in the last 20 years, and I'm kind of freaking out. Everything has changed. Now you can't even get your foot in the door if you don't know someone. And if you've been out of the loop even a little bit, you have a lot to learn. I think I interview well, but just getting an interview these days is difficult. I can't tell you how many resumes I've sent out on these vast job-hunting sites to never hear a word back. I just know my resume' is drifting off in cyber-space somewhere like an abandoned rocket in space.

As a kid, I got pretty much every job I ever applied for. Must be my charming personality that got me this far; but now, things are so different. You have to learn how to socially network in this vast new black hole we call Linked In. Personally I can't imagine how my moment-to-moment thoughts on Twitter are going to get me a job, who really cares after all? Isn't it just another plugged in way to waste time?

And spending an hour or two a day to update my accounts and network some how seems out of reach, I mean if I don't have enough excuses not to devote an hour a day in the gym, what do I use to get out of the social media time commitment? But, I'm learning, I'm trying to reconnect with old colleagues. I had my first re-connection today, and it went pretty well. Fortunately, the gal I hooked up with was a sweetheart and I didn't have to twist her arm too much to agree to meet for coffee. But it was a positive experience, something to keep me going until the next time I get up the guts to ask some one for help.

I've started going to networking groups too. Boy, that sort of freaks you out. You know how it is when you are afraid to get up in front of a class to speak, same thing now, only it's grown up strangers you are meeting and in 30 seconds you have to give your schpeal, impress them and hope that they are willing to take time out of their day to help you. I'm ok with that, I mean I try to do good deeds and help people if I can, I would hope that karma comes back to me and helps me out some day.

But I sort of feel really sorry for well-connected people. They are probably being bombarded by old colleagues and high school friends coming out of the woodwork hoping to hook them up. "Hi Joe, remember me, we were in first grade together, say I'm sort of remotely qualified to work in a business that's twice removed from what you do, so if you don't mind could put in a good word for me and get me an interview??? Poor Joe, he just wants to be left alone and unplug.

As for me, I'm going to keep trying. No one is going to change my course of fate but me, so I have to keep going. I will Facebook, I will Link-in, I will blog, I will network...I will seek out new people from careers far beyond my skill set, to boldly go where no one in my family has ever gone before....

Being a Step Mom

I'm a step-Mom. I love that I am. I was sort of thrust into the role when I was in my mid 20's. I fell in love with a man with two pre-adolescent girls. I loved him, so I would love his girls too. It made sense to me; it felt right. You see I never really pictured myself having babies. I mean, I like babies, I just never saw them in my life. But I did see me having older kids -- going out to lunch, shopping, long talks about life and love, that's what I envisioned. I love the relationship I have with my Mom, especially the adult relationship. Oh sure, all the growing up years are important and all, but I feel like the adult years are far more interesting for both parties. I always wanted to have that.

We had our ups and downs, me and the girls. The first couple years were really fun. I loved staying up late and having girl talk about boys and school and life. We did fun activities and had family dinners and watched movies and stuff. I wasn't a full time Step Mom, I only got the weekends, and we tried to cram so much into those weekends it's a wonder we can even remember any of the details now. They were so open to what I had to say, they asked so many questions and shared so many feelings, it made me feel really special, like I had a little piece of them that no one else had. The teen years were not all that fun though, there were a lot of challenges all parties had to face; there was a lot of hurt that had to be overcome. But we got through it.

My girls are grown and live far away now. I know they have to be free to discover who they are and what they want out of life, but I wish they were closer. Long distance relationships are hard. You get busy in your day to day life and routine, and I don't know about you, but after I leave work for the day, I don't really even think about the phone unless it rings. So I don't call as much as I should, but that doesn't mean I don't think about the girls every day.

I wonder how school is going or how big the baby is getting. I wonder if they are happy and feeling ok. I wonder if they are happy with the choices they've made in life. I wonder if when they are having a bad day do they get a hug only a Mom can give, and I wonder if they think about me as much as I do them. I wonder if they wish they were closer so we could see each other more often like I wish we could. I wonder what it would be like if we had regular Saturday lunch dates like I have with my Mom, and do they even want that from me. I wonder if when I'm old and gray they will be around.

I know I wasn't their birth Mom, but to me they are the only kids I will ever have. And in my heart they are mine. Ok, so I didn't potty train them, but I taught them other things about life and love - at least I hope I did, I hope they take that with them, wherever they are.