Inconsiderate People

What is it with people who have no consideration for others? I’ve noticed that either you are considerate or you are not. Some people were just raised with no manners I guess.

I think I was just brought up right. My Mom always said we were perfect angles growing up. We weren’t overly noisy kids, didn’t make messes in restaurants or break things in other people’s homes. She was never embarrassed or afraid to bring us anywhere. We had manners, she taught us well.

So one day last week I’m sitting at a restaurant, a fairly nice restaurant, with my Mom one afternoon for lunch. There were maybe 10 other parties in the place. And there was this group of about 8 people that had 2 kids. And the kids were just screaming, babbling, yelling, crying, and banging the silverware...it was completely annoying. They were so loud we could not carry on a conversation because we couldn’t hear ourselves speak. My blessed Mother, mid-conversation suddenly yells...”QUIET!”. I was so astonished that she, the Queen of Manners, let them have it. I burst out laughing while simultaneously ducking down in my seat. I peered around and saw that every other patron had a huge smile on their face and was giggling under their breath. A couple of them even clapped. She did what all of them wanted to do. The noisy table was suddenly quiet. Now why couldn’t the manager have come over and asked them to be quiet? For that matter, why weren’t the parents shutting their kids up? Why do people with little children think that it’s just fine to bring them to a restaurant or bar or store and let them behave so poorly? I pay good, hard-to-come-by, money to go out to eat, I really don’t want to share my experience with these rude family’s. You want to bring your kids to a restaurant, go to a kid-friendly place like McDonalds or Chucky Cheese. Don't make the rest of us suffer because you think your kids are cute. Trust me you are the only ones that do.

And this goes for neighbors too. In my neighborhood there are several homes with pools. Mostly above ground pools. I’ve grown to hate these people. Not only do these monstrosities look bad and bring my property value down, I have to listen to the ungodly screams of their kids playing. You know the screams I’m talking about too, the high-pitched shrill screams of the little girls that could break glass and the loud grunts of the boys. I live on a pond, and sounds carry quite easily. All summer long I have to listen to these kids. I can’t hear my TV or hear myself think for that matter with the incessant screams going on. I don’t think I should have to shut my windows on a beautiful day because the parents won’t discipline their kids. I have literally screamed out my patio door in desperation, “QUIT THE DAMN SCREAMING!” I guess I have a bit of my Mother in me too. I’ve considered calling the police, I’ve considered a petition to ban screaming kids. I’ve considered recording their screams and standing in front of their house with a boom box on full blast playing back the joyous little sounds of their kids. I kind of like that idea best. Too passive aggressive? Maybe. But... I don’t do any of those things, because why? Because I was raised with manners, I am just not that inconsiderate.

I Hope You Dance…

I have my first real vivid memories from when I was about 4 or 5 years old. They are of my Mom and Dad dancing in the living room. Saturday mornings my Mom cleaned house and would load the record player with at least 6 LP albums. There was always Elvis and Englebert Humperdink, and a few others I can't recall. She would vacuum and sing and wiggle to the beat. But as soon as The Last Waltz would come on my Dad would swoop my Mom up into his arms, she'd drop the vacuum, and they would dance. I remember the way the sun used to beam into the room, the rays were filled with floating dust particles that to my young eyes looked like glitter and sparkles. I remember sitting on the couch watching them glide across the room. They would smile and laugh and speak to each other with words only their eyes could interpret. Even at that young age I knew what romance was.

We are just a danc-y family. There is always music at family gatherings and Elvis is always on the play list, despite my brother-in-law's groans. As soon as one of his songs starts, we begin to sing-- we all know the words. My Mom starts to sway while she's doing the dishes and grabs who is ever close enough to do a little Lindy step with. It doesn't matter where you are or what time it is. When the music moves you, you have to go with it. My husband and I even took lessons when we first started to date. We practiced many nights in our living room and kitchen. And to this day when a West Coast beat comes on, he reaches for my hand to entice me into a swing.

And while my folks have had their share of health issues as they've aged, I don't think they have ever stopped dancing. They may move a little slower and prefer the cheek to cheek songs now, but I know that when their song starts to play my Dad reaches for her hand, and they still speak silent words that only their hearts understand.

Respect

I've noticed throughout my life that people who are close tend to take advantage of each other and treat each other with less respect as time goes on. Why is that?

Whether it's a boss with a superiority complex that constantly yells at his long time assistant or a couple that's been married 35 years -what is the model for treating some one right?

I know a couple that over time has lost their ability to communicate with each other. The guy is a hot head, the gal is resentful. He thinks that it's his way or no way and she is tired of his rants. They love each other. They both have really wonderful qualities and are really sweet people, but they do not fight fair. It's not all the time, but when it's bad, it's really bad.

I am concerned for them. I've offered advise, I've suggested counseling. I want them to be happy, they deserve to be happy. Sometimes I think the only resolution for them is to split up, but neither of them want that either. I want to help, but at the same time I just want to stay out of it.

But I get angry at this guy who is trying to control his wife and family. I can blatantly see that he does this, unconsciously perhaps, because he feels he has no control over his own world. He is very frustrated with his career. He's got a chip on his shoulder you could drive a truck through. But there is no talking to this guy, he thinks he is always right and that there are no other opinions that matter other then his. How do you deal with that?

I don't want to put all the blame on him, because I'm not sure that she really knows how to fight fair either. I think she's been angry for so long that she's lost some of her compassion toward him. And I think they get into screaming matches with each other that resolve nothing. They end up not talking until they have to. And the resentment and the communication gap just keeps growing.

I'm surrounded by couples that have been married from 15 to 60 years! I talk to these people and ask them what makes their marriages work. And the fundamental answer is that you have to have respect for your spouses feelings. Maybe you don't agree with how they may be feeling about something, but it is after all how they feel. They own those feelings. It is not your place to decide if those feelings are valid or not. If they are upset, they are upset. No matter if you think that they are "upset about nothing". What do you stand to gain from treating them as though their emotions don't matter?

And sometimes husbands, wives just need a hug when they are down. They don't want you to fix it. They don't want you to play devil's advocate. They don't need a dose of reality. They just need to know that you are there for them. They just want you to listen to them bitch or cry for a bit and then give them a hug and tell them it's going to be OK.

And wives, you've got to cut your guy some slack too. Men carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. They worry about money and the safety of their family. They worry about the house and the things that need to be fixed. They get stuck with all the shitty chores at home. They are afraid that you may get hurt or that something may happen to them. They want to provide, but more often then not these days, they fear they may not be able to. They often internalize your anger as being their fault, when that may not be necessarily true.

It's a scientific fact that when men get angry their blood pressure sky rockets and the only way to calm the pressure for some men is to yell, get physical or walk away. It's called the Fight or Flight syndrome. Women, on the other hand, feel the need to resolve an argument as soon as it starts. They want to keep talking until it's over. By this time the man is so heated he's irrational. If your guy needs a time out, give it to him. Give him a few hours to cool down. Don't push it and push it and push it until he explodes. Just let it be, know when to shut up.

You've got to learn let some things slide. Is it really a deal breaker if they leave their socks on the floor every night or if they leave little trails of messes behind them? Look at the big picture here. As my Mom always says, "choose your battles wisely". You may not be able to take back your words. You may apologize, but more often then not the damage is done. It may be forgiven, but not always forgotten.

I don't know, maybe I'm just lucky that I have a really good marriage. My husband and I have both learned from our past mistakes and know that it is important to treat each other with kindness. We have sort of an unspoken understanding that during the work week, the house might be a mess. And that I'm really not that interested in doing dishes every night when I get home. And likewise I know that my husbands clothes are going to pile up by the bathroom and he'll probably fall asleep on the couch. But by the weekend we each clean up our messes. We know that arguments about socks do more damage to a marriage then a messy house. We know that if we show each other some respect, that we can get through anything.

My Heart Skips a Beat

I haven’t written about Love. I’m a big fan of true love. I believe love should be our driving force in life. Often times my husband asks me, “what’s life all about?” And I always reply, “Love”. When he says, “what am I going to do with you” I always say, “just love me honey...”

It’s truly how I feel.

I didn't have the best track record for relationships. I guess you could say I was a late bloomer. I didn’t have my first real boyfriend till I was almost 16. He was an older then me and didn’t go to my school. We only dated about 3 months, but we remained friends for 9 years after that. I think I loved him more as a friend then I ever did as a boyfriend.

I really didn’t steadily date any other guys until I was 20 or 21. Then I had my first long term relationship. A whole 6 months. After that, there was no one for like 5 years! OK, that's not exactly true. I dated some, lots of first dates, not a lot of second dates. I had a couple 9-1/2 week relationships in there, but truthfully I was a very lonely girl. My friends would say I was too picky. And in some respect that was true. I didn't want to waste my time. I wanted the whole package. I wanted some one I was attracted to yes, but also some one who made me laugh and who I could carry on a conversation with. Is that too much to ask? I used to pray late at night that God would bring me some one who loved me for my heart and soul.

I met my husband when I was 26. I was in a really great place in my life. I had a great job I loved, I had just bought a brand new townhouse on my own. I had a new car. I was thin and pretty. What a catch huh? I think I exuded a level of confidence at that time that perhaps I never had before. He was smitten with me right away. The feeling was very mutual.

The night we met we couldn’t take our eyes off each other. It was the absolute strongest attraction I had ever had to another human being. I leaned over and told my girlfriend right then and there, that the dark haired man across the bar was the man I was going to marry. She thought I was drunk, but I was dead serious.

He asked me to marry him on our first date. A week later I said yes. 16 years and 4 months later I’m still with that man. I love him more now then I did back then. So you can say that there is no such thing as soul mates, but I disagree. I know that there was some force beyond our control that night that drew us together with such strength. That force has kept us together this long. And I do believe that we were meant to be together. We just fit. Where I'm weak, he's strong. I'm logical when he is not. He calms me, I excite him. We make sense.

And even though the years have changed us our love is just as deep. I’m not the size 6 I was back then, his hair is much more gray, our bellies are not nearly as flat as they used to be. But this man still makes me laugh, we can be silly. We can still talk all night long. We still play together and explore together. And every time he looks deep into my eyes we connect, and my heart still skips a beat.

Leap of Faith

There are so many days that I want to quit my job. I did once, but the boss-man talked me into coming back. A couple years ago I was offered a job that I turned down, WHY?

I know exactly why, I am afraid. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of not being accepted. I'm afraid I won't like where I end up, and did I mention that I really hate job hunting?

It's not that I have a bad job, in many ways I've got it made. I'm really good at what I do, and I love the interaction with my customers, but there's just something missing. My hearts not in it I guess. It's not where my passions lie.

A couple years ago I had my palm read. It was just for fun, but the gal was surprisingly accurate. She said she sees me like a horse rearing up ready to run--but not going anywhere. That is exactly how I've felt. Big ideas, but no follow through.

I think it goes back to that fear of failure. If I follow that dream and can't make it, then the dream dies. At least now I have the dream and in many ways that keeps me going. So I need to take that leap of faith I guess. Just go for it. And if on the way down it doesn't work out, well then I guess I start swimming...

I Deserve Joy

Someone reminded me today that I am worthy to live a joyous life. Wow. I know that, I mean I really do know that I am worthy. But it sort of freaks me out that this person, whom I haven't known for all that long, looks at me and sees someone who is not finding joy. They see someone who is carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. Perhaps a person who always tests the water before jumping in with a splash.

And, really, if I'm honest, it's true. I do worry about everything. I do carry the burden of my ill-run work place, my husband's poor eating habits and demanding hours, my children's decisions. I worry about my aging parent's health and my sibling's happiness. Why? I mean it's good to be concerned about others, but I think this person was correct in saying, "who's worrying about you?" I know in my heart my husband wants my happiness, and I know my family cares about my well being. But aside from that, no one is fretting near as much about my life as I am about theirs.

Perhaps it's a way to avoid making some changes in my world. After all, if I focus on them it takes the focus from me right? If I put the focus on me and I fail, then everyone will know I failed. But if I keep my challenges inside, and I fail, I am the only one I have to atone to.
Ooo--- that is hard to admit.

So this friend of mine is right. I do need to make decisions that make me happy. Damn the stigma that may be associated, I need to find some peace. I want to enjoy my life, not struggle through it.

So I'm going to do just that, I am going to find my joy. Whether it's in finding a career that soothes my soul, taking a very long, over-due vacation even though I can't afford it, or saying no to someone so that I can indulge myself, I'm going to do it.

I going to find a way to release these burdens I've placed on my shoulders and let some one else worry about it for a change.

I deserve joy. I deserve joy. I deserve joy.