Good Riddance 2009

I keep saying
"Good
Riddance
2009". That it was a terrible year. That nothing good has come from it.

But I've been thinking, and I've realized I am wrong. And as my hubby pointed out,2009, in many ways, was a good year.

It was the year I reconnected with a loved one and turned the once-distant relationship into a loving, honest and healing friendship.

It was a year that I rediscovered my passion for writing.

It was a year that I realized how much money I wasted on stupid little things and learned to live on less.

It was the year that inspired me to make big changes in myself. For my health, for my family, for my soul.

True enough, it was a year full of stress. I felt a lot of anger and bitterness for my situation. It was a year fraught with challenges and confrontation. I cried a lot of tears in 2009.

But 2009 also lit a fire under me. It got me thinking about living my passions and living life to it's fullest. It brought the "what if's" into focus and inspired me to set goals and make changes. It got me engaged in life again.

2009 was tough, no doubt for everyone. But 2009 was a big wake up call too. Be honest, were you not just a bit complacent before the economic downfall? Were you not spending too much? Were you not feeling too secure in your workplace? Don't you look at your job and your savings and investments a bit more wisely now? Don't you think twice before you spend? This is a good thing.

Our world will never be the same.

Perhaps we can return to the values our parents had. They worked hard to own a home, they took care with their credit. They took pride in a job well done.
They did not buy if they could not pay for it. They saved money for a new car or sofa or toy and paid for it in full.

I learned some lessons in 2009. I hope you did too.

But I won't deny it I am looking forward to a new decade.

New Ideas

So I've come up with an idea that I'm really excited about. It involves a lot more writing, which is good. A little money, which is do-able. And alot of faith, which I have.

So I'm looking forward to my fresh start of 2010.

As I've spoke of many times, I am struggling with my career, wanting so much to live my passions, wanting so much a chance for change.

I've started and stopped many side-businesses. Whether it was a craft business, a decorating business or a jewelry party business...I needed something else that my day job didn't provide. I've needed that creative outlet in my life. I've needed to put my heart and soul into my daily world. I've been searching for more... Endlessly it seems.

Being a Type-B, Right brainer I have a lot of good ideas. What I lack is the Type-A follow through and the Left brain technical know how. It can be a struggle for us creative-types to get'r done. Lord knows I've failed more then once.

But this new idea of mine is going to work. I can feel it in my bones. It doesn't just make my right brain happy it engages the left too. I'm not going to share just yet, but I will say that it will encompass my 3 big career desires: writing, decor and jewelry design. It will lead to other more fruitful opportunities in the next decade of my life.

What I figured out this time, before I just jumped head-first into this endeavor, is that I need help. Help from experts in their field. Yes it might cost me a little at first, but I know it will pay for itself in no time with the headaches I'll save. That's been a big problem, I'm great with the ideas and implementing them, but when I run into a technical or legal wall, I come to a screeching hault. This time I'm going to get help with the stuff I struggle with instead of pretending that I can do it all. This time I will trust others. And hopefully I'll learn something along the way.

So I'm taking classes, I've hired a professional to help me get it going. I've purchased some of the tools I need to make it work more smoothly. I'm already way ahead of where I was with my other endeavors and I've barely just begun.

I may have to keep my day job for awhile, but now I see the light ahead and it's finally shining brightly on me.

A Gift

I've been struggling about the whole "gift thing" for Christmas. I'm happy to give, I really am. But I feel like gifts are for kids. There is really no one on the adult gift list in my world that really needs anything. Certainly not anything some one needs to go into debt for. And really, I've got everything I need too. Maybe we feel it's traditional to give gifts, that something will be lacking if we don't.

But at this point in my life I think I'd rather give and receive an emotional gift.

I'd rather get a sentimental card from someone that expresses their heartfelt feelings then a gift I may not remember next year. My husband and I want to spend time doing something to make a memory together instead. Then we can reflect about it often. We could have those "remember when we did... how much fun it was" moments-- that seems more meaningful to me. It's a gift that keeps on giving after all.

This year my daughter came home from Christmas, it's been several years since she's been with us. She's grown into a lovely woman. She's so strong and smart. She's well traveled and interesting. It was a joy to spend time together. We didn't really do anything special. With the Christmas snow storm we stayed close to home. We just hung out and talked. We cooked and played games. We enjoyed the downtime together and reconnected. It was a wonderful gift for me. It made Christmas really special this year. We made memories.

It's funny, a week ago I was all stressed out. Hating the hustle and the stress of the holidays. Today I feel peace. I feel like I'm healing from the beating I took this year. I feel like there is hope for change. I'm looking forward to learning new things and starting new adventures in 2010.

So I'm putting 2009 to bed. Along with the anger and the angst it caused me.

I'm moving on.

There's a new decade to ring in.

A new chance for change. Better days are on the horizon.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Thank you for reading me this year!

'Tis the Season

Gosh I'm busy. I'm not sure what with, but I feel stressed. I think it's just the general mood of the holidays, S-T-R-E-S-S. What happened to Joy and Peace? I thought they were supozed to be the feelings of Christmas. I really haven't felt that in years.

I'm so tired of the holiday push. I hate that Christmas items are in the stores right behind Halloween. Thanksgiving sort of gets jipped. I rebel, I refuse to even look at them until after Thanksgiving. And even now, I really have no Christmas spirit within. I put up my tree last weekend, I baked cookies for my co-workers. Still, no Christmas spirit. Maybe it comes in a bottle. People keep telling me I should drink more.

But I keep hearing about sad stories. An acquaintence of mine is losing her home to foreclosure. Another is in a frustrating relationship. Another out of work. Many are under-employed or in dead-end positions. I want to give to others, I want to help and yet I feel helpless. I can listen, I can be their shoulder to cry on. But I'm not sure what I can do to actually help their situations. I'm kind of in the same boat. I got problems too, we all do.

I can't really afford to spend money on Christmas gifts, but I do it anyway. But I'm just not feeling it. It feels like more of an obligation then a downright sense of giving. I think Christmas gifts should be for kids. And, I think it's nice to exchange a gift with your sweetheart to thank them for all they do. Other then that why do we feel so obligated to over-spend for one day. I thought the meaning of Christmas was supozed to be about Jesus. How did it turn into this retail nightmare?

I used to love Christmas, I looked forward to it every year. I would get really excited about it. I'd decorate the house up, shop for the perfect gifts, wrap my presents with fabric bows and beautiful paper. I'd start listening to Christmas music by December 1st. But past Christmas's seemed better. At my old job we had a Trim-the-Tree party, a client Christmas party and an Employee party. My girlfriend and I used to throw an "Annual Semi-Formal Christmas Wapatooi Bash" each year. There were events to go to and happiness and joy would abound. Now Christmas feels like it's being shoved down my throat. Buy, buy, buy, rush rush, rush, spend, spend spend. Sad as it is to say, I can't wait for it to be over. Let's get on with the New Year already.

But last year I did manage to do one thing that gave me Christmas spirit. Maybe other's can do this too, it will definitely lift your mood. Last year I decided to tell everyone in my family exactly why I loved them.

I sat down with my computer and wrote out 25 reasons why I loved each person. I did one hundred reasons for my hubby. It took me hours and hours. Of course there were the obligitory reasons... they are kind to animals, they are kind to my parents, and so on. But actually, it was kind of hard. It forced me to sit down and really think about my family. My older nephew and I really aren't that close anymore. I personally don't know him all that well. Same went for my brother-in-law, we don't have a whole lot of one-on-one contact, so it's was a challenge to think of all these reasons. But I was determined.

I painstakenly wrote down each reason. I printed them out and cut them up into strips like fortunes in a cookie. I found some cute little boxes at the craft store and proceeded to fold each reason up and fill each box. Come Christmas Eve I handed them out. No one knew I was going to do this. We all sat in a circle and before we exchanged gifts I had every one read three reasons from each of their boxes. It was the greatest gift I had ever given. As they all read them aloud, they smiled and laughed. Some had tears in their eyes, including me. They didn't want to stop at three reasons, we went 'round and 'round in the circle till we read more then 10 or 15 each. The joy I created with this simple gesture was astounding. I felt my own Christmas spirit for the first time in years. The gift I gave each of them was the greatest gift I ever received.

Everyone has told me that they kept their boxes. When they have a bad day they will read one or two of my reasons and it makes them feel better. My Dad keeps his in the top drawer of his dresser. My Mom says he looks at it every day. I have a feeling all of them will keep that little box the rest of their lives.

To me, that is what Christmas is all about. That is the feeling I want. I can't express to you how good it felt to see the tears in their eyes. To know that I touched them in a very personal way. To tell someone what it is about them that you love--to tell them they are special and that they have changed your life in some profound way--that is what Christmas is supozed to be I think.

It seems like that is what Jesus would want.
I doubt he'd know what to do with an I-pod.

Giving Thanks

This year was the first time my hubby and I had nowhere to go on Thanks-giving. It was actually quite nice. I love getting together with family and all, but it was nice for a change to have some down time together on a holiday where we didn't have to rush off anywhere or drive an hour to get there.

He had seen a recipe on Rachel Ray a couple weeks ago and asked me if I could make it, I said sure, I'd make for him on Thanksgiving. If you know me at all you'd know that while I'm not an avid cook, I have been known to make a pretty decent meal now and again. It called for several things I don't normally stock and I had to go several places to find all the ingredients. Things like fresh ground nutmeg, shallots and fresh thyme, marmalade and grainy brown mustard. Now normally I really don't care to cook; during the work week there is just no time to be creative. So I'm more of a soup and salad kind of girl most nights. But on Sunday's I try to to spoil my guy a little and make at least one nice meal.

Since it was our first Thanksgiving alone, I decided I wanted it to be special so I didn't scrimp or substitute on anything. I bought all organic ingredients. I even bought a special grater to grate my whole nutmeg and spent $6 for a roll of parchment paper I don't know when I'll use again. But I decided to go for it with full out gusto. It was actually kind of fun. I used the fancy dishes; I lit a candle and had soft music on the stereo. We cracked a bottle of wine… it was actually kind-of romantic.

Being Thanksgiving and all I decided it just wouldn't be the same if I didn't make a batch of my Mom's rice stuffing so I added that to the meal plan. And if I do say so myself, for a fairly basic recipe; Turkey rolls (meatloaf) with roasted sweet potatoes, peas with radishes, Mom's stuffing and a simple pan gravy, it was really packed full with flavor. I've never made gravy before; it always seemed like that one elusive thing that is really easy to screw up. But I had a back up plan, I bought some ready made stuff just in case. I think my husband felt like he died and went to heaven. He made more yum-yum noises in that meal then I think he has made in all our years together. He practically licked his plate clean. He said it six times if he said it once, "the meal was de-lish", it was a success. If I learned anything that day, I truly learned that the way to my husband's heart is with a ladle full of gravy.

But I learned something about myself too. I learned that there is pleasure in taking pride in my cooking-- In going the extra step to make it special. I learned to relax a little and enjoy the time I spent preparing the meal. I learned that Thanksgiving is not about the hustle and the bustle to get to the turkey and pie; it's about enjoying the simple things. Making a toast to a better year, standing side-by-side doing the dishes, going for a walk on a crisp fall afternoon. I let spontaneity filter-in to the plans a little; and was willing to try something new.

It was the best Thanksgiving I had in a long time.

I guess that's what it's all about isn't it? Giving of yourself and giving thanks to others... enjoying the simple things.

Why do we forget that?

What's Important

My little trip to the ER last week really made an impact on me. It's been kind of nice in a way. Everyone is very concerned about me. I've gotten a lot of nice Facebook notes and phone calls. My husband has been very attentive and lovey since then. While that is not unusual for us, we are always romantic together, I think I really scared him. The truth is, I scared me too.

But it did give me a sense of clarity. It made me see that anything can happen at any time. That each day needs to be lived to it's fullest. That we take for granted so many things that are little blessings each day. That our health is nothing to mess with and that I'm not as healthy as I profess to be. And mostly, that I need to get off my butt and really do something about my weight.

I have never really liked to exercise. And I am usually more then willing to put it off for a better offer. Although to my defense, I have made quite a commitment to yoga the last two years. It's probably the first thing that I've really stayed consistent with for any length of time. But I know I need to do more, and more importantly, do more every day.

More and more I'm realizing that having a desk job is sort of like living a slow death. Ok, that's a little dramatic, but really when you think about it a desk job is probably one of the worst things you can do for your health. You stare at a box all day, you don't get any fresh air, you barely move. You get neck, wrist and elbow pain even though the most exercise you get is going for a potty break. I wore a pedometer to work for awhile. On a good day I got in a couple thousand steps. On a bad day, barely 900. They say we need 10,000 steps a day. That's about 5 miles by my calculations. Even a trip to Target only gives me about 2,500 steps. So I'm coming up extremely short.

People who are on their feet all day might do that many. But people with desk jobs...not so much. Perhaps if I worked in a large corporate environment I could take walk breaks. I would have to park far away. I could roam the halls to meet with co-workers. But my longest jaunt anywhere in my building is about 35 steps. I try to park a block or two away. I try to get out over lunch and take a walk around the block. But more often then not I'm pressed for time and never do.

I'm not a lazy person by any means, but I just can't seem to stay motivated with an intense exercise program. Part of it is that I really never see any results. I joined a gym a couple years ago. For 6 months I went to the gym 3-4 days a week. I worked with trainers. I saw the nutritionist. I did 45-60 minutes on the treadmill each time along with hundreds of reps on the machines. I did exactly what they told me to do. After 6 months I had lost 4 pounds, no inches. Four - stinking - pounds. Big deal. I can gain and lose that on a weekly basis.

So I quit the gym. I've done lots of stints like that. I did Curves for several years, I've done lots of aerobics classes. My hubby and I walk, and bike and golf together. We spend a lot of time in the garden and on landscaping projects... and still I struggle. At home programs don't seem to work for me, it's like I need the pressure of having to go somewhere, having to pay for it and feel guilty if I blow it off. But in this tight economy, I can't really afford to pay a membership fee either.

But, like I said, I got scared. So Saturday morning I spent some time on the bike and health rider in my basement. I went and bought a kettleball. Sunday morning my hubby and I went for an hour long walk. Later on I did some reps with the new kettleball. I didn't let the palpitations knock me down. Oh I still have them, but they are fading. But my will now seems strong.

The really weird thing is that my cravings for sugar have completely stopped. All summer long, the more stressed I got, the more my sweet tooth screamed at me. Chocolate was my vice of choice. But last week, the cravings stopped. Maybe my heart was screaming louder, I'm not sure. But whatever the reason I have this new found diligence. I'm going to run with it.

Life's too important. My husband, my family, my friends... They mean more to me then my ambivalence toward exercise or my love for chocolate. So here I go again, off on another quest...but this time, this time my heart is in it too.

Is it all down hill from here?

I spent yesterday afternoon in the ER. I'd been having heart palpitations for about 5 days.


I wasn't overly worried at first, but it was something I never experienced before. Yesterday they were coming every couple of minutes. The faster they came, the more I panicked. Since heart problems run in my family on both my parents side, and I could stand to lose a few pounds, I started to worry. Anyone I mentioned it to said, "get checked out, you don't want to mess around with your heart". The last straw was my Doctor's office refusing to even let me speak to my Doc about it. All they said was, "get to the ER, now!"


Oh Crap, now I'm scared. I drove myself to the closest ER in the city. Too urban for me, no place to park, suspect looking people lurking about. I started to cry. I called my hubby. "What do I do? I don't want to be here." I went to the closest suburban hospital instead. I felt much more at ease in my old stomping grounds.


There was no one in the waiting room, Thank God. I was really afraid I'd have a bunch of H1N1 sickies sitting there snogging all over everything. The front desk gal called me "hon". "Whatcha here for today hon?" Like I was ordering soup or something. "Chest Pains". "And who brought you in?" "Me." She got me a wheelchair and with the biggest smile on her face she could muster said, "how old are ya hon?" "43." She laughed, "it all goes down hill from there..."


Great. That's just great. I thought I was doing pretty good. I'm a pretty healthy eater. I take my vitamins, I do yoga and meditate. I'm somewhat active, a jock I aint, but I get around. And now I find out that despite all my effort, resistance is futile. I'm going down with the rest of them anyway... Crap.


So I got all these tests done, they had me all wired up. Took my blood, stabbed me a few times to find a good vein, that's always fun. My hubby could see the palpitations on the monitor as they happened. He kept making silly jokes and naughty innuendo's to see if he could get the lines to dip - he needed something to do to pass the time.


They came in no less then 5 times to ask me my name and to verify my information. Did they think that I was going to keep switching rooms or something? I was connected to the bed with 50 wires, just where exactly was I going to go? I couldn't leave to go potty without getting the nurses permission.


So what did I find out? I'm fine. Apparently I have an irregular heart beat that is fairly common. For some unknown reason it decided to manifest itself this week an make itself known. They said it was probably stress related. Ironically in the last few weeks my stress level has dropped about 50%. I got some of my pay and hours back at work. The ridiculously busy summer I had at work has slowed to a workable pace. My writing submissions have been met with a good response. I have been more calm this week then I have for the last 6 months.


I thought I was on an upswing.


Of course now I have something new to stress about. I figure my little ER visit is going to cost me about 3Grand. And, I have a $5,000 deductible, so none of it will be covered. I swear sometimes my life consists of one step forward and two steps back. And now there is the whole "going downhill" thing I have to worry about.


A few summers ago we went up to Duluth for the weekend. We brought our bikes and thought we were taking the leisurely trail along the lake. It ended up being 2 miles straight uphill. We pushed our bikes most of the way, ever try to ride a recumbent up a hill?, it doesn't work. But when we got to the top, the view was great. Without hesitation I hopped on my bike, turned and gave a wink and a smile to my hubby and took off down hill. I yelled "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" all the way down. Best two minutes of my life. No cares, no worries, just the wind in my hair and a smile on my face.


If we have to "go downhill" as we age, don't you think it should be like that?


No cares.


No worries.


Just the wind in your hair and a smile on your face.