Being Alone

I got an email today that asked,
"What is your greatest fear?".


I never really thought about this question until about 15 years or so ago. A bunch of us girls at work were talking around the lunch table. We were all in our late 20's or so and they were talking about having kids. I was never super interested in having babies. I mean I like kids and all, but just never really saw myself having any. One of the girls asked me, "if you don't have kids who is going to take care of you when you get old?" From then on I couldn't get that question out of my head. Who will take care of me? It became a very real fear.


I am the youngest of my siblings. My brother and sister are 9 and 12 years older then me. My husband is 10 years older then me. None of them in the best shape. Oh, they are healthy enough, but they all have one issue or another. My husband's philosophy about Doctors is, "if it aint broke don't fix it" , so I can't even get him checked out to see how many miles he's got left on him.

I didn't have biological kids, I don't have a great retirement plan. So what am I going to do?

I know I don't want to live in a nursing home that is for sure. But the way retirement communities cost, I'll never be able to afford it. My girls live out of the area, so it's going to be hard to rely on them. Not that I would want to burden them with my elder care.


My nephew assures me that he will invite me over for "Thanksgiving and stuff." That's somewhat reassuring I guess. But still...there is a very real possibility that I could end up alone. My sister says I shouldn't ponder things like that, "we all take our chances every day, any one of us could step off a curb and get hit by a bus at any time..." thanks sis, but that really doesn't make me feel any better either.


The way the economy is going I'm guessing that by the time I am ready to start collecting my social security it'll be gone. Never mind the hundreds of thousands of dollars I've paid in, it'll just be gone. *!Poof!*. Good God with the way the insurance and medical costs have increased what can I expect 25 years down road? Will someone please tell me why people are fighting health care reform??


I have this fantasy that my husband and I will go together. I couldn't imagine living one day with out him. But I'm guessing that will remain a fantasy too. I don't know why I have this strong feeling that I am going to outlive everyone I love. Is that weird? I'm not in the worlds greatest shape myself, so there's a very real possibility that somehow my subconscious mind is sabotaging me. If I don't take care of myself then I will die young. Then I won't have to outlive my loved ones and be alone. That's kind of twisted, but could quite possibly be true I suppose. I wonder what a psychoanalyst would say about that?


But I can't think like that. I can't have those doomsday thoughts. I can't envision myself as the crazy old cat lady surviving on cat chow. I need to put positive thoughts into the universe, right?


So I'm thinking I need a new game plan. I will need to gather some other old gals that will probably need a roommate or two. Perhaps we can start a home for wayward old ladies. Yeah, we can play cards and do crafts and wear funny red hats. We can take the bus to happy hour once a week and have sleepovers like we did when we were girls. We'll hire cute young gardeners to take care of the yard and maintenance. My girlfriends are pretty fun, I'm kinda hoping at least a few of them will want to join me in my Home for Old Hotties. It'll be like a perpetual girlfriend weekend.


Wait now, this is sounding more and more fun. Never mind all those fears, I think I'm going to be just fine. Instead of the crazy old cat lady - I can be "Cat Woman".

Reflection

It was my birthday yesterday. I'm officially middle age.

I spent the day reflecting.

Reflecting about the last year. I decided this last year kind of sucked. It sucked for a multitude of reasons but mostly I think because I let the stress of life get to me. I had a hard time rolling with the punches. I've taken a lot of hits of late.

I consider myself a bit of a perfectionist at some things, but I decided I need to do things better.

I'm going to do my job better and clean my house better. I'm going to eat better and work out better. I'm going to be a better friend, daughter and sibling. I'm going to be a better wife and Mom. I'm going to have a better attitude.

In general, I want to be a better person.

A person who is not quick to judge, admittedly I've been guilty of that. A person who is more open minded--some times I'm too set in my ways. A person who is willing to try anything once instead of turning up my nose to something I know nothing of. A person who takes more chances at life.

Overall, I'm one of the good ones, I know.

I know I have a good heart.

I love quite deeply.

I forgive.

I believe.

I try.

But I know I can do better. And this year, I will.

Today He's Mine

Today is my Anniversary.

I have spent 14 years with my love. 16 1/2 years since we met. I remember the day so vividly. He was so handsome. He had this quiet confidence and humility about him.

I was drawn to him the moment I saw him. If I hadn't turned around in that parking lot and gone back to find out his name, we may never have gone out. I called him that night, left a message for a number I got from information. It could have been the wrong guy, he could have been a weirdo or married or worse. I had never done that before. But I had to. We just had this chemistry between us. When our eyes met for the first time, it was like he was seeing down to the heart of my very being.

He didn't call me right away. I was upset because I thought he felt it too. Later he told me he had been seeing someone else at that time. He broke up with her to go out with me, he believed in monogamy. That made me feel pretty special.

He's such a good guy, with such a good heart. He's strong and honest and sensitive and true. He works hard, too hard I'm afraid. We laugh and we play. We sing and we dance. He likes art fairs and chick flicks. He always lets me drive the golf cart. Maybe he does those things just because he knows I like them, but still... alot of guys wouldn't. He doesn't have to play the macho card, and to me that makes him all the more a man.

To this day I swear he knows what I'm thinking. He knows what I want and need before I voice it myself. He's in my head. He's in my heart. He's my best friend, my lover, my everything.

And he's mine.

And I'm so lucky.

Life's messes

I know this woman. She is very neat. Everything in her house is immaculate. If you walk in at any given time you'd think you walked into a photo shoot for Better Homes and Gardens. She has very elegant taste. She takes impeccable care of her things. So much so that her possessions never show signs of wear. And that works for her, it's what makes her happy; cleanliness is next to Godliness and all.

But it got me to thinking; does her life show signs of wear?

My house is a mess. Don't ever just drop in, because I promise you I will not be prepared for company. Of course when company does come, my house is neat, but day-to-day my husband and I are disorganized at best. I put on a neat façade.

I think I'm ok with that though. I think my life shows signs of wear. I've been known to sacrifice cleanliness for good sheer reckless abandon. And I think that's a good thing. I've also been guilty of wasting an afternoon on a sunny day lying in the grass with my husband, daydreaming about a landscaping project, even when I had a sink full of dishes. Or at the drop of a hat be willing to run off to go for a walk or have lunch with a friend. Damn the chores, I figure the housework will be there when I come back; the opportunity to cocoon with my husband may not.

Now I'm not well traveled or haven't done anything supremely crazy in my life, other then hot air ballooning, a helicopter ride, and a few good road trips perhaps. But still I feel I've embraced things that maybe my clean friend has not. Like messy painting projects that take days to complete and digging in the dirt on a regular basis. Like diving into creative endeavors and various money making schemes. I've tried to expand my world. I've tried to give it some dimension, some scope outside the norm.

That is why I did years of craft boutiques and art shows. That's how I attempted to start a decorating business and a jewelry business, and why I freelance jobs. Maybe I'm enterprising; maybe I'm just in search of more. More fulfillment and more satisfaction to my being. I know too many people that just exist day to day, whose life is nothing but a daily grind of the same job, the same dinners, the same TV. Grinding away at the best years of their lives. Their life doesn't get too messy. I don't want to be that way.

So here again I sit, another project at hand. Another side gig hoping to be a second job. I'm letting my housework slide so I can put my thoughts to print. It always energizes me to start something new. Gets my blood pumping and the synapses firing. Maybe this time, I can bring it to fruition. Maybe once I feel fulfilled, I can get to those dishes.

Saturated

There's a sweet email that you get every once in a while about why women cry.

Basically it says that God made women really strong. Strong enough to deal with birth and stress and loss. Compassionate enough to feel our friend's pain. Brave enough to die to protect our children. Women were built to take on the weight of the world. And the gift that God gave them to shoulder all of this heartache was the gift of tears.

Today I am saturated.

I've taken on as much as I possibly can. I have no more to give. I cannot take any more work, any more stress. My brain is full.

I needed to cry.

I cried all day. Through a disagreement with a co-worker, through a sales proposal I wrote. I cried over my piece of chicken at lunch and through a confrontation with my boss. I cried on the way home. I cried until I had no more tears.

For I had to make room for more.

I had to make room for more work, more stress, more angst. And in order to do that I had to wring some out.

So today I cried. That was my gift.

I'm Taking Back My Life

I've decided in this new decade of my life that I have to start looking at the world differently.

Nothing is what it seems. Food is tainted, the air is polluted, and our lives are constantly plugged into some electrical device. Everything is on the fast track. We don't get a moment of peace anymore. Our cell phones follow us everywhere; we are bombarded by the media, bad news and gossip shows. Does it really matter what the Hollywood socialites do? Does it affect us? Does it make us feel different about ourselves? I say NO! Turn off the radio, the IPOD, the TV and listen to your own thoughts; you might be surprised by what you have to say. Whatever happened to living in the moment, appreciating a butterfly sipping dew, the quiet of a sunrise, a world of quiet serenity?

The only thing we can really do for ourselves is try to find time to escape the noise, the chores, the electricity of city life and escape to the quiet of nature. Feel the warmth of the sun on your face and the wind in your hair. Who cares if it messes up your hairdo ladies, roll down the windows in your car and sing at the top of your lungs – it's good for your soul. Who cares if you have a stack of dishes in the sink, go and play with your husband today. Hold hands and roll in the grass somewhere – take time for some romance. Forget your IPOD, go walk by a lake and let the birds sing to you. They will bring a rhythm all their own. Stop depriving yourself of lovely things because you are saving the good perfume for a special occasion or the silky panties for a fancy night out. Wear the pretty panties today! Enjoy the way the silkiness feels under your work clothes, it will give you something to smile about. Dab the good perfume on for you to enjoy. Dance with your hubby in the living room, lie on your bed naked, next to an open window and let the sunshine warm your skin.

There are simple pleasures that we need to take back. And I think the time is now. I have spent the majority of my life trying to fit into the norm. The normal size clothes, the normal job, keeping up with every new gadget, and it doesn't make me happy. What really makes me happy are the simple things. My husband's kisses, my purring cat in my lap, my Mom's love, sunset in my garden, the wind in my hair, a hot shower, a good cup of coffee with real cream. I'm giving up the clutter, the noise, the "stuff". I'm taking back me, my spirit, my joy, my life.

This Man I Know

This man I know is simple-

He's easy as the day is long.

He works so hard at working hard-

And still he fills his heart with song.


He views life as it is an experience-

And hopes to try each and every thing.

For even mundane tasks can be worthwhile-

If you view them as an opportunity.


He takes pride in job well done-

He's steady, reliable and true.

He's the man I'm proud to love-

And his spirit and soul shines through.


I couldn't have been more lucky-

To have walked into his view.

For now I call his heart mine-

and he holds my heart too.