What Inspires Me?

In my writing class we talk about the ups and downs of blogging, of writing, and of writers block. We are often given "free-writes" with topics to inspire writing off the cuff.

This last week we were given examples of "successful" bloggers. These success stories supposedly gave us numerous ideas for improving our blogs. After reading them I was not inspired, in fact, I was pretty irritated. These blogs were perfect examples about what I hate about the blogosphere. They were trite, repetitive, link-happy reiterations of the vast nothingness that people talk about. Not to mention they were vulgar, uninteresting and irresponsible...and in my opionion, the writing wasn't worth reading either.

Someone once said to me, "if the blogger wasn't famous then reading their blog was just a waste of time". Ouch, that kind of hurt. I'd like to think that the time I spend on my blog is not a waste of time. And hopefully not a waste of my readers' time either. I'm trying to write with substance and meaning. I attempt to work through issues that I know a lot of people share. I'm trying to look for hope and inspiration in an often uninspirational world. Is that not a worthy way to spend my free time?

So anyway, my instructor posed the question: "What inspires you?" So here is my reply:

Ok, I know it sounds hoky, but Love inspires me. Giving inspires me. Positive thinking and hope for a better world inspires me.

And conversely, stress and anger and angst inspire me too. Usually when I'm at a really low place, the words I find are a mechanism for change. Changing my attitude or my outlook or my game plan. Sometimes I have to just sit down and write it out or I swear I will lose it.

And sometimes I have to cry.

One day last fall I cried the entire day. I was so stressed out, so pissed off and saturated from my day that all I had left in me was the urge to write. I just sat down, looked at the blank screen, and effortlessly the thoughts flowed into my fingers and onto the page without my brain as an interface. When I was done, the tears finally stopped.

It was raw, it was real and it was one of the most honest posts I have made. It also got the most feedback.

You see I connected with others who have been there. And that notion that I was going through what so many other's out there have been through in this last year inspired me to keep going. I don't think that is a waste of time.

I think that reaching out to anyone, even if it's only one person, is worthwhile.

And that, is probably the most inspiring thing of all.

Giving from the Heart

It's my day off. I love my Friday off. I get to leisurely rise, drink coffee, read, write or whatever…and it's all on my time schedule.

This morning I'm watching Ellen. I love that she's a generous person who invites real people on her show to tell their story. I know that it's not her money she's giving away. And yes, maybe she gets good press, but still, Ellen makes it happen for people.

I'm watching and she has on the gal, Angela Martin, from American Idol who did not make the top 24. She's a great singer and she's had a really tough life. This girl could use a break. I first saw her three years ago when she made the Hollywood week, her Father was killed the day she got there. She has a daughter with a disability. Last year she made Idol but couldn't stay because she had to go to jail because she couldn't afford to pay a ticket. Now this year, for some reason she didn't make the top 24 either. Poor girl, if anyone could use a break, she could. Personally I thought she was better then a couple girls they let through.

So Ellen is talking to her, letting her share her story and then she sings. She has a great, powerful voice, and an astounding positive disposition considering her angst. After she sings Ellen announces that Kara Dioguardi, her fellow Idol judge, is writing and producing a song for this gal and they intend to help her get a record label contract.

The girl just grabbed Ellen and hugged her as hard as she could. I just cried. It's kind of like when you cry after Extreme Home Makeover. The sheer kindness that is shown to someone in need just moves me to tears.

Deep down I wish that someone in my lifetime would voluntarily show me that kind of kindness with no strings attached. But even more so, I wish that I could help someone like that. I wish I had the means to change someone's life.

But maybe we all have the means. Maybe it's not just about money. Maybe it's just about giving of your self, freely and unconditionally. Maybe as long as it comes from your heart it doesn't matter what you do to help someone else.

We can all do this. Whether it's holding a door for the elderly. Delivering Meals on Wheels, or spending time playing Scrabble with someone who's all-alone in the world. We have the power within ourselves to change other people's lives.

So my question is, will you?

Never too old...

A few years ago I had a semi-argument with a friend. She had suggested I go back to school to get additional training. I'd been bitching about my job for awhile, wanting to make a change - but mostly not knowing what I wanted to do.

At that point in my life practically every single thing that was going on felt negative. My health was tanking. My relationship with my girls was stressed. I was always strapped for cash, paying my bills fine but never any left over. I couldn't seem to get motivated for anything.

I shut down.

I shut myself down from trying anything new. I shut out any ideas or suggestions for change. I quit going to parties - I didn't want to see anyone - I had nothing good to say.

I knew I needed to do something drastic. But I felt I had neither the money, the time nor the ambition to give it a go. I felt like a failure.

The more suggestions people had for improvement, the more excuses I found not to change.

What a difference a few years can make.

Since starting my blog about 8 months ago, I have had a renaissance. Some how purging my frustrations in life in ink so to speak has brought me to solutions. I'm sure there is psychological answer for the phenomenon of which I don't know.

Since January I have signed up for 5 classes. And I'm very excited for each and every one. No, I'm not going back to college to finish my degree, I'm just enriching my life and learning new things. It's got me so electrified I feel buzzed.

The first of which is a writing class. I love writing classes. In school all of my electives were writing classes. There just is no better way for me to get to the core of my emotions then with pen and ink. Then there's a photoshop class, a digital photography class, a marketing class, a blog class, a book-making class....I want to take more.

It seems like the one thing I had been denying myself is the one thing that has set me free....what is yours?

State of the Blog

When I started this blog it was meant to be an outlet for my frustrations and for my ponderings, a way to find conflict resolution. It was a way to self-discovery and personal growth. I wanted to evolve. And it has done all those things for me.

As for my readers, I'm not sure.

I get a fair amount of positive feedback, people find me inspiring. Maybe I bring a tear to their eye. They can relate. I guess that was my intention to begin with, to touch people on a personal level.

I wanted to write about life's challenges. I wanted to explore how I resolve the daily conflicts that we all in our human race of life endure. And I hope that's what I've been doing.

No matter what our profession, we all face struggles, self-doubt and worry. We all wonder if we did the right thing, or if we are being true to ourselves. And we all share hope and wonder and success. We all have wrenches thrown into our daily lives too.

Writing has always been my vent. As a child if I had an argument with my Dad, I would write it out. I'd scribble down all my objections. I'd read them back loudly in my head and when I got it all out of me, I'd tear it up. With those torn pages, my anger seemed to dissipate.

Now in this stage of my life I'm looking to writing again as a way to change my occupation. For years I've been looking for a change, but as it seems no one wants to let you switch gears because you "know you can do the job, or "because it's your heart's desire", or even "because it's something you always thought you would be good at". No, they want to hire an expert in their field. They don't want to take a chance. And in this competitive market, who can blame them.

So I've decided to become a writer, hopefully professionally. I figure if no one else wants to give me a shot, I'll make it happen for myself. I'm hoping some day people will care what I have to say. That I will be a modern day Irma Bombeck and bring humor and truth to our human condition.

Hopefully then people won't think that my blog is a waste of time.

When do I get to have fun?

Why is it that life never seems simple? I swear there is always some kind of stress going on in my world. I know people who never seem to waiver from day to day. They don't have any upset, drama or challenges. Me, not so much. Granted the earth hasn't opened up underneath me or I haven't had a major tragedy with someone I love. But my drama's always seem to cost a lot of money and I usually have to pay for them with the money I've earmarked for fun.

Last week I fell down on the ice and strained some muscle or tendon in my leg, yesterday I actually felt it tear. OUCH. This week it was a trip to the ER for my hubby. He's ok, but we have some concerns to address. I'm trying to stay positive. My hubby has needed to get in for a physical for quite some time. So in one way this is a blessing; now he has no choice. At least we are dealing with his issue early on and he'll be fine. I might actually meet that $5000 deductible this year. And as long as I'm doing that I might as well get checked out too I guess. I've been putting off that mammogram way too long. It seems that ER nurse was right, it all does go down hill from here.

It's just that these little challenges always seem to hamper the good things that are happening. Just when I get going strong on an exercise program some body part seems to fall apart. For the last couple years it's been my shoulder, and both elbows. Now this stupid leg thing. Walking is not very fun right now.

But at least I can walk right? There are so many people with bigger problems then mine, I really can't complain. And I'm not, I know we are going to be ok. I really am blessed with so much more than a lot of people. And I do thank God every day. I just wish it didn't have to cost so much. Kinda throws a wrench into that 15th Anniversary vacation idea.

We have debt, a good amount of it. But my hubby and I have not been on a get-on-a plane-for-a-week-in-the-sun vacation in a very, very long time. He works 7 days a week, he is most certainly deserving of a vacation. And I have had the most stressful year of my life - Lord knows I need one too. And him having a major health wake up call makes me think--why wait? 15 years together is reason for celebration. Let's do it now while we are young and healthy enough to enjoy it. What if tomorrow never comes?

We had a tough year, it was fraught with challenges for both of us, not to mention our relationship. We could really use the downtime together to reconnect, have fun and remember just what made us fall in love with each other in the first place. Is it a bad thing to add more debt to our pile? Are we justified? Our debt may never go away. There will always be something that comes up. Cars need fixing, house needs repair.

When do we get to say, "hey we need this for our sanity - damn the cost we need to de-stress". Other people get to go on vacaton at least once a year. When do I get to go?

I think I'd like to go to the Grand Canyon. Maybe standing on the edge of a big hole in the earth will put life into perspective.

Maybe then my challenges will feel much smaller.

Things Successful People Do

I'm reading this book entitled "9 Things You Simply Must Do for Success in Life...", or something to that effect. Anyway this book is very enlightening. It's written by a psychologist and it's basically his take on the similar traits that successful people exhibit. I haven't read the whole thing yet, but it's has already hit home.

One of the first things he talks about is "Living Your Dream", he says that successful people all live their dream. Whether it's owning a beauty salon or gas station, being a lawyer or an architect - these people all make this dream happen for themselves. More specifically he talks about the energy you feel when you are inspired. You feel alive, like your juices are flowing freely. You exude vitality and excitement, you look forward to each day. Conversely people who are not living their dream tend to trudge through life. They tend to be more angry or sarcastic. They feel like reaching for a dream is not possible. They tend to bury their head when it comes to confrontation or change. I have to say, I think this guy is completely right.

I have been both people.

The last decade of my life I've felt like I was just going through the motions in life. Wake, work, eat, sleep...wake, work, eat, sleep...never feeling any real passion or excitement for anything. The few exhilarating moments were fleeting and followed by much doubt. I've always desired something else for a career. But I didn't really know what. The things I knew I would love to do, seemed so out of reach. There was always something holding me back. Usually money was first on the list. The second being time. Third being education. Followed by a lack of desire for change or ability to make it happen. There were so many more excuses.

I don't know what happened to me in the last 8 months. But something changed. Maybe it was stirred by anger, maybe by desperation I'm not sure. But some switch has definitely flipped. I felt that spark he speaks of, the excitement, the optimism. A new opportunity somehow materialized clearly in my mind.

It's funny it seems so simple now.

So I'm doing it. I'm engaging in life. I'm working toward a dream. I'm making progress. I'm making the steps. I finally feel like anything is possible.

I feel successful already.

Good Riddance 2009

I keep saying
"Good
Riddance
2009". That it was a terrible year. That nothing good has come from it.

But I've been thinking, and I've realized I am wrong. And as my hubby pointed out,2009, in many ways, was a good year.

It was the year I reconnected with a loved one and turned the once-distant relationship into a loving, honest and healing friendship.

It was a year that I rediscovered my passion for writing.

It was a year that I realized how much money I wasted on stupid little things and learned to live on less.

It was the year that inspired me to make big changes in myself. For my health, for my family, for my soul.

True enough, it was a year full of stress. I felt a lot of anger and bitterness for my situation. It was a year fraught with challenges and confrontation. I cried a lot of tears in 2009.

But 2009 also lit a fire under me. It got me thinking about living my passions and living life to it's fullest. It brought the "what if's" into focus and inspired me to set goals and make changes. It got me engaged in life again.

2009 was tough, no doubt for everyone. But 2009 was a big wake up call too. Be honest, were you not just a bit complacent before the economic downfall? Were you not spending too much? Were you not feeling too secure in your workplace? Don't you look at your job and your savings and investments a bit more wisely now? Don't you think twice before you spend? This is a good thing.

Our world will never be the same.

Perhaps we can return to the values our parents had. They worked hard to own a home, they took care with their credit. They took pride in a job well done.
They did not buy if they could not pay for it. They saved money for a new car or sofa or toy and paid for it in full.

I learned some lessons in 2009. I hope you did too.

But I won't deny it I am looking forward to a new decade.