When do I get to have fun?

Why is it that life never seems simple? I swear there is always some kind of stress going on in my world. I know people who never seem to waiver from day to day. They don't have any upset, drama or challenges. Me, not so much. Granted the earth hasn't opened up underneath me or I haven't had a major tragedy with someone I love. But my drama's always seem to cost a lot of money and I usually have to pay for them with the money I've earmarked for fun.

Last week I fell down on the ice and strained some muscle or tendon in my leg, yesterday I actually felt it tear. OUCH. This week it was a trip to the ER for my hubby. He's ok, but we have some concerns to address. I'm trying to stay positive. My hubby has needed to get in for a physical for quite some time. So in one way this is a blessing; now he has no choice. At least we are dealing with his issue early on and he'll be fine. I might actually meet that $5000 deductible this year. And as long as I'm doing that I might as well get checked out too I guess. I've been putting off that mammogram way too long. It seems that ER nurse was right, it all does go down hill from here.

It's just that these little challenges always seem to hamper the good things that are happening. Just when I get going strong on an exercise program some body part seems to fall apart. For the last couple years it's been my shoulder, and both elbows. Now this stupid leg thing. Walking is not very fun right now.

But at least I can walk right? There are so many people with bigger problems then mine, I really can't complain. And I'm not, I know we are going to be ok. I really am blessed with so much more than a lot of people. And I do thank God every day. I just wish it didn't have to cost so much. Kinda throws a wrench into that 15th Anniversary vacation idea.

We have debt, a good amount of it. But my hubby and I have not been on a get-on-a plane-for-a-week-in-the-sun vacation in a very, very long time. He works 7 days a week, he is most certainly deserving of a vacation. And I have had the most stressful year of my life - Lord knows I need one too. And him having a major health wake up call makes me think--why wait? 15 years together is reason for celebration. Let's do it now while we are young and healthy enough to enjoy it. What if tomorrow never comes?

We had a tough year, it was fraught with challenges for both of us, not to mention our relationship. We could really use the downtime together to reconnect, have fun and remember just what made us fall in love with each other in the first place. Is it a bad thing to add more debt to our pile? Are we justified? Our debt may never go away. There will always be something that comes up. Cars need fixing, house needs repair.

When do we get to say, "hey we need this for our sanity - damn the cost we need to de-stress". Other people get to go on vacaton at least once a year. When do I get to go?

I think I'd like to go to the Grand Canyon. Maybe standing on the edge of a big hole in the earth will put life into perspective.

Maybe then my challenges will feel much smaller.

Things Successful People Do

I'm reading this book entitled "9 Things You Simply Must Do for Success in Life...", or something to that effect. Anyway this book is very enlightening. It's written by a psychologist and it's basically his take on the similar traits that successful people exhibit. I haven't read the whole thing yet, but it's has already hit home.

One of the first things he talks about is "Living Your Dream", he says that successful people all live their dream. Whether it's owning a beauty salon or gas station, being a lawyer or an architect - these people all make this dream happen for themselves. More specifically he talks about the energy you feel when you are inspired. You feel alive, like your juices are flowing freely. You exude vitality and excitement, you look forward to each day. Conversely people who are not living their dream tend to trudge through life. They tend to be more angry or sarcastic. They feel like reaching for a dream is not possible. They tend to bury their head when it comes to confrontation or change. I have to say, I think this guy is completely right.

I have been both people.

The last decade of my life I've felt like I was just going through the motions in life. Wake, work, eat, sleep...wake, work, eat, sleep...never feeling any real passion or excitement for anything. The few exhilarating moments were fleeting and followed by much doubt. I've always desired something else for a career. But I didn't really know what. The things I knew I would love to do, seemed so out of reach. There was always something holding me back. Usually money was first on the list. The second being time. Third being education. Followed by a lack of desire for change or ability to make it happen. There were so many more excuses.

I don't know what happened to me in the last 8 months. But something changed. Maybe it was stirred by anger, maybe by desperation I'm not sure. But some switch has definitely flipped. I felt that spark he speaks of, the excitement, the optimism. A new opportunity somehow materialized clearly in my mind.

It's funny it seems so simple now.

So I'm doing it. I'm engaging in life. I'm working toward a dream. I'm making progress. I'm making the steps. I finally feel like anything is possible.

I feel successful already.

Good Riddance 2009

I keep saying
"Good
Riddance
2009". That it was a terrible year. That nothing good has come from it.

But I've been thinking, and I've realized I am wrong. And as my hubby pointed out,2009, in many ways, was a good year.

It was the year I reconnected with a loved one and turned the once-distant relationship into a loving, honest and healing friendship.

It was a year that I rediscovered my passion for writing.

It was a year that I realized how much money I wasted on stupid little things and learned to live on less.

It was the year that inspired me to make big changes in myself. For my health, for my family, for my soul.

True enough, it was a year full of stress. I felt a lot of anger and bitterness for my situation. It was a year fraught with challenges and confrontation. I cried a lot of tears in 2009.

But 2009 also lit a fire under me. It got me thinking about living my passions and living life to it's fullest. It brought the "what if's" into focus and inspired me to set goals and make changes. It got me engaged in life again.

2009 was tough, no doubt for everyone. But 2009 was a big wake up call too. Be honest, were you not just a bit complacent before the economic downfall? Were you not spending too much? Were you not feeling too secure in your workplace? Don't you look at your job and your savings and investments a bit more wisely now? Don't you think twice before you spend? This is a good thing.

Our world will never be the same.

Perhaps we can return to the values our parents had. They worked hard to own a home, they took care with their credit. They took pride in a job well done.
They did not buy if they could not pay for it. They saved money for a new car or sofa or toy and paid for it in full.

I learned some lessons in 2009. I hope you did too.

But I won't deny it I am looking forward to a new decade.

New Ideas

So I've come up with an idea that I'm really excited about. It involves a lot more writing, which is good. A little money, which is do-able. And alot of faith, which I have.

So I'm looking forward to my fresh start of 2010.

As I've spoke of many times, I am struggling with my career, wanting so much to live my passions, wanting so much a chance for change.

I've started and stopped many side-businesses. Whether it was a craft business, a decorating business or a jewelry party business...I needed something else that my day job didn't provide. I've needed that creative outlet in my life. I've needed to put my heart and soul into my daily world. I've been searching for more... Endlessly it seems.

Being a Type-B, Right brainer I have a lot of good ideas. What I lack is the Type-A follow through and the Left brain technical know how. It can be a struggle for us creative-types to get'r done. Lord knows I've failed more then once.

But this new idea of mine is going to work. I can feel it in my bones. It doesn't just make my right brain happy it engages the left too. I'm not going to share just yet, but I will say that it will encompass my 3 big career desires: writing, decor and jewelry design. It will lead to other more fruitful opportunities in the next decade of my life.

What I figured out this time, before I just jumped head-first into this endeavor, is that I need help. Help from experts in their field. Yes it might cost me a little at first, but I know it will pay for itself in no time with the headaches I'll save. That's been a big problem, I'm great with the ideas and implementing them, but when I run into a technical or legal wall, I come to a screeching hault. This time I'm going to get help with the stuff I struggle with instead of pretending that I can do it all. This time I will trust others. And hopefully I'll learn something along the way.

So I'm taking classes, I've hired a professional to help me get it going. I've purchased some of the tools I need to make it work more smoothly. I'm already way ahead of where I was with my other endeavors and I've barely just begun.

I may have to keep my day job for awhile, but now I see the light ahead and it's finally shining brightly on me.

A Gift

I've been struggling about the whole "gift thing" for Christmas. I'm happy to give, I really am. But I feel like gifts are for kids. There is really no one on the adult gift list in my world that really needs anything. Certainly not anything some one needs to go into debt for. And really, I've got everything I need too. Maybe we feel it's traditional to give gifts, that something will be lacking if we don't.

But at this point in my life I think I'd rather give and receive an emotional gift.

I'd rather get a sentimental card from someone that expresses their heartfelt feelings then a gift I may not remember next year. My husband and I want to spend time doing something to make a memory together instead. Then we can reflect about it often. We could have those "remember when we did... how much fun it was" moments-- that seems more meaningful to me. It's a gift that keeps on giving after all.

This year my daughter came home from Christmas, it's been several years since she's been with us. She's grown into a lovely woman. She's so strong and smart. She's well traveled and interesting. It was a joy to spend time together. We didn't really do anything special. With the Christmas snow storm we stayed close to home. We just hung out and talked. We cooked and played games. We enjoyed the downtime together and reconnected. It was a wonderful gift for me. It made Christmas really special this year. We made memories.

It's funny, a week ago I was all stressed out. Hating the hustle and the stress of the holidays. Today I feel peace. I feel like I'm healing from the beating I took this year. I feel like there is hope for change. I'm looking forward to learning new things and starting new adventures in 2010.

So I'm putting 2009 to bed. Along with the anger and the angst it caused me.

I'm moving on.

There's a new decade to ring in.

A new chance for change. Better days are on the horizon.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Thank you for reading me this year!

'Tis the Season

Gosh I'm busy. I'm not sure what with, but I feel stressed. I think it's just the general mood of the holidays, S-T-R-E-S-S. What happened to Joy and Peace? I thought they were supozed to be the feelings of Christmas. I really haven't felt that in years.

I'm so tired of the holiday push. I hate that Christmas items are in the stores right behind Halloween. Thanksgiving sort of gets jipped. I rebel, I refuse to even look at them until after Thanksgiving. And even now, I really have no Christmas spirit within. I put up my tree last weekend, I baked cookies for my co-workers. Still, no Christmas spirit. Maybe it comes in a bottle. People keep telling me I should drink more.

But I keep hearing about sad stories. An acquaintence of mine is losing her home to foreclosure. Another is in a frustrating relationship. Another out of work. Many are under-employed or in dead-end positions. I want to give to others, I want to help and yet I feel helpless. I can listen, I can be their shoulder to cry on. But I'm not sure what I can do to actually help their situations. I'm kind of in the same boat. I got problems too, we all do.

I can't really afford to spend money on Christmas gifts, but I do it anyway. But I'm just not feeling it. It feels like more of an obligation then a downright sense of giving. I think Christmas gifts should be for kids. And, I think it's nice to exchange a gift with your sweetheart to thank them for all they do. Other then that why do we feel so obligated to over-spend for one day. I thought the meaning of Christmas was supozed to be about Jesus. How did it turn into this retail nightmare?

I used to love Christmas, I looked forward to it every year. I would get really excited about it. I'd decorate the house up, shop for the perfect gifts, wrap my presents with fabric bows and beautiful paper. I'd start listening to Christmas music by December 1st. But past Christmas's seemed better. At my old job we had a Trim-the-Tree party, a client Christmas party and an Employee party. My girlfriend and I used to throw an "Annual Semi-Formal Christmas Wapatooi Bash" each year. There were events to go to and happiness and joy would abound. Now Christmas feels like it's being shoved down my throat. Buy, buy, buy, rush rush, rush, spend, spend spend. Sad as it is to say, I can't wait for it to be over. Let's get on with the New Year already.

But last year I did manage to do one thing that gave me Christmas spirit. Maybe other's can do this too, it will definitely lift your mood. Last year I decided to tell everyone in my family exactly why I loved them.

I sat down with my computer and wrote out 25 reasons why I loved each person. I did one hundred reasons for my hubby. It took me hours and hours. Of course there were the obligitory reasons... they are kind to animals, they are kind to my parents, and so on. But actually, it was kind of hard. It forced me to sit down and really think about my family. My older nephew and I really aren't that close anymore. I personally don't know him all that well. Same went for my brother-in-law, we don't have a whole lot of one-on-one contact, so it's was a challenge to think of all these reasons. But I was determined.

I painstakenly wrote down each reason. I printed them out and cut them up into strips like fortunes in a cookie. I found some cute little boxes at the craft store and proceeded to fold each reason up and fill each box. Come Christmas Eve I handed them out. No one knew I was going to do this. We all sat in a circle and before we exchanged gifts I had every one read three reasons from each of their boxes. It was the greatest gift I had ever given. As they all read them aloud, they smiled and laughed. Some had tears in their eyes, including me. They didn't want to stop at three reasons, we went 'round and 'round in the circle till we read more then 10 or 15 each. The joy I created with this simple gesture was astounding. I felt my own Christmas spirit for the first time in years. The gift I gave each of them was the greatest gift I ever received.

Everyone has told me that they kept their boxes. When they have a bad day they will read one or two of my reasons and it makes them feel better. My Dad keeps his in the top drawer of his dresser. My Mom says he looks at it every day. I have a feeling all of them will keep that little box the rest of their lives.

To me, that is what Christmas is all about. That is the feeling I want. I can't express to you how good it felt to see the tears in their eyes. To know that I touched them in a very personal way. To tell someone what it is about them that you love--to tell them they are special and that they have changed your life in some profound way--that is what Christmas is supozed to be I think.

It seems like that is what Jesus would want.
I doubt he'd know what to do with an I-pod.

Giving Thanks

This year was the first time my hubby and I had nowhere to go on Thanks-giving. It was actually quite nice. I love getting together with family and all, but it was nice for a change to have some down time together on a holiday where we didn't have to rush off anywhere or drive an hour to get there.

He had seen a recipe on Rachel Ray a couple weeks ago and asked me if I could make it, I said sure, I'd make for him on Thanksgiving. If you know me at all you'd know that while I'm not an avid cook, I have been known to make a pretty decent meal now and again. It called for several things I don't normally stock and I had to go several places to find all the ingredients. Things like fresh ground nutmeg, shallots and fresh thyme, marmalade and grainy brown mustard. Now normally I really don't care to cook; during the work week there is just no time to be creative. So I'm more of a soup and salad kind of girl most nights. But on Sunday's I try to to spoil my guy a little and make at least one nice meal.

Since it was our first Thanksgiving alone, I decided I wanted it to be special so I didn't scrimp or substitute on anything. I bought all organic ingredients. I even bought a special grater to grate my whole nutmeg and spent $6 for a roll of parchment paper I don't know when I'll use again. But I decided to go for it with full out gusto. It was actually kind of fun. I used the fancy dishes; I lit a candle and had soft music on the stereo. We cracked a bottle of wine… it was actually kind-of romantic.

Being Thanksgiving and all I decided it just wouldn't be the same if I didn't make a batch of my Mom's rice stuffing so I added that to the meal plan. And if I do say so myself, for a fairly basic recipe; Turkey rolls (meatloaf) with roasted sweet potatoes, peas with radishes, Mom's stuffing and a simple pan gravy, it was really packed full with flavor. I've never made gravy before; it always seemed like that one elusive thing that is really easy to screw up. But I had a back up plan, I bought some ready made stuff just in case. I think my husband felt like he died and went to heaven. He made more yum-yum noises in that meal then I think he has made in all our years together. He practically licked his plate clean. He said it six times if he said it once, "the meal was de-lish", it was a success. If I learned anything that day, I truly learned that the way to my husband's heart is with a ladle full of gravy.

But I learned something about myself too. I learned that there is pleasure in taking pride in my cooking-- In going the extra step to make it special. I learned to relax a little and enjoy the time I spent preparing the meal. I learned that Thanksgiving is not about the hustle and the bustle to get to the turkey and pie; it's about enjoying the simple things. Making a toast to a better year, standing side-by-side doing the dishes, going for a walk on a crisp fall afternoon. I let spontaneity filter-in to the plans a little; and was willing to try something new.

It was the best Thanksgiving I had in a long time.

I guess that's what it's all about isn't it? Giving of yourself and giving thanks to others... enjoying the simple things.

Why do we forget that?